Muirnait's Musings

Whitewashing the Fence

2011-01-15T11:54:00.001-08:00

This started as a comment on Chris's post about the editing of The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. For more information, check out this CNN piece. I read yet another article on it, and had this thought: One of the main reasons the book should remain unedited is because the use of such language opens an invaluable dialogue about race, about prejudice and hatred, and I think that was one of Twain's main aims in the writing. History can not be whitewashed. (Nobody's talking me into painting THAT fence!) Though it is a work of fiction, I believe that the book really is a key part of Americana and the way people understand an era in US history.

Removing the word is tantamount to acting as though it were never used, and erasing the debasement that an entire race of people suffered. The N word was often used offhandedly and without thought, but that casual insult is perhaps more grievous than an intended strike against another human being, because Black people were not thought of as human beings but an inferior race! The travesty of the past cannot be undone, but to frame it differently, to edit the story of Huck Finn and in doing so edit the perception of human history at the time, to do that is to disrespect those people who lived through it. Though I don't believe the current generation holds responsibility for "the sins of the fathers", we certainly don't have the right to ease the tinge of guilt that remains by acting like it never happened.

1.1.11 (Make a wish!)

2011-01-01T00:04:00.000-08:00

Goodbye 2010, Hello 2011!

(shamelessly stolen from Robyn, of course)

The New Year Meme: 2010

1. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?

Lived with my grandparents
Lived in a house with a dog and a cat at the same time!
Photographed headshots (a favour for a friend of a friend).

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I didn't make any last year, and while I have goals for 2011, somehow I don't quite like framing them in terms of "resolutions".

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

A couple of friends, but no one with whom I'm very close.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Yes, my grandmother.

5. What countries did you visit?

Just the US.

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?

I would like to have vision, which I struggled to find in the previous year.

7. What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

October 15th, the day that Granny died, and December 25th, the Christmas celebration with my family.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

This is a tough one for me. I have things from the last few years, like my album, and things that will be coming very soon, like my degree. This year specifically, though? Nothing comes to mind!

9. What was your biggest failure?

Not finishing my degree in 2010, I suppose.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Nothing severe, thankfully. Um, last month I fell down the stairs and I was pretty colourful in the days to follow.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

A new zoom lens, I think, to replace one that broke. (From a 28-135 to 75-300mm). Also, the other day I picked up some more fuzzy socks. I love fuzzy socks.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Though I can think of one that would qualify that would have to be a private celebration.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

No one in my personal life. On a global scale there have been several instances, of course, and watching the news can be both appalling and depressing. (I never turn it on myself, but Grampy often has it on, and I end up "absorbing" more of it than I'd mean to).

14. Where did most of your money go?

Tuition and rent, debt repayment.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Going to see Tirzah in Washington, my post-grad road trip (which has been postponed, so I'm still excited about it!)

16. What song will always remind you of 2010?

I can never tell this until the time has passed. The songs that will remind me of this year...well, I suppose September Song, by Frank Sinatra.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer?

a) both. b) "thinner" seems a funny word for me, but I do weigh a little less than this time last year. c) richer.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Taken better care of myself financially and physically.

(This answer could be [and therefore is] copied directly from Robyn's version).

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Feeling sorry for myself.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?

Christmas was spent with my Mum, Grampy and sisters. (Oh, and my brother-in-law, but he sort of gets included in the 'sisters' grouping as an extension of big sis).

21. Did you fall in love in 2010?

Not in a romantic way, no. I'm learning to love the Island, here, appreciating the verdancy that the heavy rains allow, and learning to cherish the sunny days when they happen. Also, it's not as cold!

22. How many one-night stands?

Ew. No.

23. What was your favorite TV program?

I have a few favourites but haven't watched in a while. The top of the list includes Glee, House and Chuck.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

I try to avoid poison whenever possible.

25. What was the best book you read?

Oh man, I read so much fluff that this is actually a hard one to answer! I think that I may have listened to the audio book of 'The Kite Runner' this calendar year, so I'll go with that.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?

For a musician, I'm entirely awful about getting to know new bands! One of the things I've really enjoyed musically is spending a little more time on my guitar, as well as having a Christian radio station that I can tune into in the car. While the talk is frankly cheesy and even a little obtuse, the music and the message there is good for me.

27. What did you want and get?

I wanted and got to spend time with my Granny in her last few weeks; I wanted to focus and to breathe.

28. What did you want and not get?

My BA.

29. What was your favorite film of this year?

I might just have to say Harry Potter 7. I had a great deal of fun at that one.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 27, and I a) went to the doctor, b) worked a few hours at my child care job, and c) had a yummy roast beef dinner made for me by my Mama.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

If I appreciated it more!

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?

'Fashion concept' sounds pretty far above my pay grade! I like simple, solid colours, and comfort.

33. What kept you sane?

Who said I was?

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Gerry Butler, still, and have for a few years. (Beth at sothefishsaid coined the phrase "Pretend Celebrity Boyfriend" - he's mine). I think a big part of it is the accent. I love Scottish accents.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?

I think one of the issues I have found really interesting and for which my position has actually changed is that of same-sex marriage.

36. Who did you miss?

These last few months, I've been missing Granny, of course, as well as my best friend Emily up in the Loops.

37. Who was the best new person you met?

I would have to say that is probably the kids whom I care for. Nothing makes your day quite like a proclamation of "I wuv you, Hedder" or even just silly dancing around to Veggie Tales songs!

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.

That life should be lived passionately, and that death is also a part of life.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

"You are more than the choices that you've made

You are more than the sum of your past mistakes

You are more than the problems you create

You've been remade"

- 10th Avenue North

Day 14: A Hero Who Has Let Me Down

2010-11-14T17:13:00.000-08:00

Today's is yet another writing prompt that's tricky for me. Any question involving heroes has always been a tough one for me, because I'm not sure I've ever had one! Certainly there have been people who I've admired, but I'm not entirely sure I ever put someone on that kind of pedestal. I think that most likely I learned early on in life that everyone is fallible. This doesn't mean cynicism, understand - just reality. I honestly can not remember a childhood hero or heroine, though at age 4, in DisneyWorld, I apparently asked (the young woman playing) Cinderella if I could come to the castle for a sleepover. All my pre-schooler dreams were crushed, of course, when she kindly told me that at least that night, it wasn't possible.

I've had people I admire let me down, but upon reflection any real failing was on the part of my expectation, not their action.

When I have seen something in a "hero" that to me seems incongruous, I've asked about it. While this has been perceived as a lack of trust, I see it differently. I ask because I trust that person to give me an answer; I trust them enough that I don't believe a challenge will immediately destroy the relationship; I trust that there IS a reason behind what they've done, and I want to give them the opportunity to share that.

As far as heroes, though? I don't see the point of blind trust in a fallible human being, and I believe that's ultimately what leads to disappointment. I can admire someone while still realizing their fallibility, and hopefully that allows me to better understand and respect them. Or maybe this is all far too complicated, and I should just go back to Cinderella. A sleepover at the castle sounds good right about now. Then again, sleep *anywhere* sounds pretty amazing, so on that note - goodnight!

Day 13: A Band or Artist That Has Got Me Through Some Tough Days

2010-11-13T23:14:00.000-08:00

I could choose any number of songs and bands here, I know.

Paul Brandt is always a highlight - and I really admire the man in the way he seems to conduct his public and private life. I like that he works with Operation Christmas Child (Mum and I went shopping for a shoebox tonight - good times!) and he's now working on a hand-up program in Calgary to combat homelessness. Basically I just think he's good people. The first song of his, that some may interpret in a more male-female romantic sort of way, but I've always seen as a "God song", is this one:

That's often made me cry and warmed my heart at the same time!

He also covered this fabulous song, by the very talented Nichole Nordeman. Not only does she have a gorgeous voice, she writes the sort of lyrics I'd hope to someday!

Finally, the one that's been closest to my heart lately, as I've been listening to cheesy Christian radio, is a new release by MercyMe. The first time I heard it, it "got" me. There's a lot more to 'beautiful' than people think, and it's not about the outside stuff, not really. This song helped me to feel that - to know that - I have a beautiful soul.

Day 12: Compliments II

2010-11-12T23:07:00.000-08:00

Something on which people never compliment me. Well, I can't say I have any brilliant responses to this one, perhaps because I don't hear that which no one says ;-)

Hm, let's see...I have never been complimented on...

...my lovely green eyes (because they're blue)

...my talented accordion playing (somehow never picked that one up)

...my sweet Aston Martin (oh, how I wish!)

...my ability to do a triple lutz or a camel spin or death spiral (that last one looked pretty awesome/freaky at BodyWorlds!)

...my nose ... it's just a regular nose, I suppose! (Ooh, rhyming!)

I know, I have a weird sense of humour. Tough, it's my blog :P What about you? Any brilliant non-compliments in your life?

Day 11: Compliments part I

2010-11-11T20:57:00.000-08:00

The thing on which people compliment me most often is my voice. It used to fluster me terribly, but after years and years of playing in front of a couple hundred people a couple times a month, I got used to it! One of the many things being a church musician taught me was how to graciously accept a compliment - at least the first few times. One can only say 'thank you' so many times!

I would always respond with, "Thank you, I really enjoy singing" or "Thank you, I'm so glad you enjoyed it" or something else along those lines. Only once in a little teeny tiny while did I feel like saying, "Shhhh stop paying attention to me!" (Only when on the worship team, if I'm singing a solo, then no, I don't mind if I'm the "star" haha! Just when serving expressly for the purpose of aiding the congregation to worship does it seem peculiar to garner attention.) The fact of the matter is, I do really enjoy singing, and even after years of compliments and 99% confidence that I'm good at it, it's still nice to get that little ego boost once in a while, the confirmation that I am gifted in this way and I'm using it the best I can.

Day 10: Someone I Need to Let Go...

2010-11-10T23:22:00.000-08:00

...or wish I didn't know.

I need to let go of Hurt. I could say that I wish I didn't know Grief, but of course if that were the case I'd never fully know the beauty of Joy. In the same way there's no one I wish out of my life; everyone comes with their own ups and downs, periods of trial and blessing. It all balances out, though hopefully the glass a little more than half-full at the end of it all.

This will seem silly, I'm sure, but something semi-related happened today on my drive to the ferry. As I was heading to the terminal, I was driving through one of the most incredible views BC has to offer, and the sun was about to set. It gave life to the phrase "the golden hour", but my enjoyment of it was a bit tainted because I so badly wanted to take a photograph, and at the most incredible point of elevation, it went by in an instant. The very best part is on a freeway, with no stopping allowed due to an avalanche zone. Mum always tells me that I need to just take pictures in my mind when the camera isn't available, but I whined to myself that I wanted to share with friends and family and the wide world of the internet. And then I heard that "still, small voice" one hears about so much: "It's just for you, Beloved."

Rationally, I know that thousands of other people saw that particular gorgeous sunset, hundreds from that view, but emotionally and spiritually? I let go of the idea of the photo and making things the way I wanted, to enjoy a beautiful gift prepared for me by a loving God.

Day 9: Letting Go

2010-11-09T21:35:00.000-08:00

Today's 30 Days of Truth topic is "Someone you didn't want to let go, but just drifted apart...". The trouble is, I don't feel particularly comfortable talking about any in specific - because it's less of a drift than a case of being cut loose from the raft unwillingly - and there have just been so many, jettisoned or otherwise . I have a hard time accepting the adage that some friends are "for a season", and at this point in my life, when I've just moved and haven't had the time or emotional energy and motivation to find new friends, I don't really want to think about those I've lost.

I'd rather say that I'm thankful for those I had for whatever season was meant, and look forward to meeting new ones in the future. Sure, it's a blogging cop-out, but it's where I'm at, and that's what Truth is all about. Also, I'm exhausted. Goodnight.

Day 8: Someone Who Made My Life Hell

2010-11-08T20:18:00.000-08:00

As much as I could speak of some of the trials of high school, and yes, some of the comments still come easily to mind, the fact is that I would much rather not dwell on that sort of unpleasantness. I refuse to give power - particularly to ONE person - to have such a detrimental effect on my mental health and well-being! I will not allow my life to be made into any kind of "hell", and if anyone treats me in such an abhorrent way, I will end the relationship if possible, or simply distance or remove myself from the toxic behaviour.

This is, of course, not to sound self-righteous or as if I never have any unpleasantness in my life! But the truth is, besides high school bullies, I've never had an awful boss, or a terrible, malicious gossip, or a cruel "friend" in my immediate vicinity. I've been pretty blessed this way, and I am thankful for it.

I hope if you have such a person in your life, that you can make it right, find a way to get out of the situation, because I believe that things can and will be better. Oh, and if I've ever inadvertently been that person to you? Please, feel free to set me straight!

Today, I'm spending time with someone who makes life better:

(Click through to see on flickr.)

Day 7: Life Worth Living

2010-11-07T18:30:00.000-08:00

Those who make my life worth living aren't about the grand gestures. People who make my life better just by being in it range from family and dear close friends, to the man at the supermarket who returned someone else's cart - and didn't get a quarter out of the deal, either. It's the pretty little things, like the pretty hydrangeas I took photos of the other day.

It's the little kids I'm babysitting saying, "I wuv you, Hedder". It's looking forward to a short visit in Vancouver to spend time with my lovely cousin, and hopefully some with my sisters as well (schedule dependent, of course!) It's a bedspread I like, a cheapo from IKEA with blue and white sand dollars. It's a million little things, and all the wonderful people in my life, and a million little moments that I get to spend with them. As Brad Paisley would say, "I live for little moments like that".

Day 6: Something I Hope Never To Do

2010-11-06T19:45:00.000-07:00

Like everyone else, I imagine, I hope to never, ever have to bury a child (should I have one!). A dear friend of the family lost her son to suicide a little over three years ago, and it very nearly destroyed her. I can not even imagine the pain. While there is really nothing good in that kind of grief, I must admit that in some way, it has been helpful to me - allowing me to understand the effect a suicide on the family.

When I was suicidal, when it was very, very bad - years ago, now - I truly thought my family would be better off without me. I think it's important for people to understand that most suicidal individuals are not thinking rationally. I understood that had I succeeded in my suicide attempt, my family would grieve, but I believed they would "get over it" before too long, and the grief from my death would be less damaging than the grief I caused them by living and by being...well, by being me. I understand better now, having seen some small fragment of the effects. Even though I survived, I know that my actions have left many scars on my family and others who love me. I know now, no matter how tumultuous things seem or are in my mind, that I do have something to offer, and that I can make people's lives better by being here, even as so many wonderful people enrich mine. I hope that I never have to feel that depth of despair again, I hope that I never, never, never give up, and more than anything I hope that, should the demons chase me down again and I can't escape that pain, I hope that I continue to resist. I hope that I can stay strong, and that I can ask for the strength of God and loved ones when I need to. Most of all, I hope to never, ever cause my loved ones that kind of pain again.

(Note: I promise I do not feel suicidal now. I am quite happy, considering the recent loss of my grandmother. This is me, being reassuring - I am okay. And if you're not? If you know what feeling I'm talking about and you need someone to talk to? Please don't hesitate to email me, or to call someone you love or one of the many suicide hotlines available.)

Day 5: Something I Hope to Do

2010-11-05T16:07:00.000-07:00

In a broad sense, what I hope to do is to make a difference, even if a small one, in the lives of as many people as I can, while not sacrificing quality for quantity. I hope (and plan!) to ease the hurts of children and young people in this world, the best I can, to help them work through their pasts and embrace their futures. I hope to someday be able to help with something like a Red Cross trauma team, probably on a short-term, emergency basis, dealing with PTSD and other mental health concerns after major disasters like Hurricane Katrina, the flooding in Pakistan, the earthquake in Haiti - to work with other like-minded people to heal body and spirit. I hope to do something, in at least some small way, to help a child out of sexual slavery, because I can not imagine anything more heartbreakingly wrong than what happens to some of these children in places like Cambodia. When I hear their stories I don't know whether to bawl my eyes out or punch a hole in the wall, but I do know that neither of those actions help them, and so other more applied action must be taken. Nothing should be allowed to destroy the amazing exuberance of a small child; they have so much to teach us about finding joy in the everyday.

Photo by yours truly, click through to see on flickr.

I hope that I can live so that the spirit of empathy God has given me is a blessing instead of a curse. I do deeply, truly hope to have children of my own, and more than anything, to fulfill the purpose He has for my life, and to live it to the absolute fullest.

Day 4: Forgiving Someone Else

2010-11-04T12:43:00.000-07:00

If mercy is new for me with every sunrise, then it does for everyone else, too. And if someone has hurt me? I'm able to get past it...eventually. Sure, things sneak back in and I have to do an attitude check, remind myself that we're all human.

But if you hurt someone I love? It's a whole other story, a hard story, and one that I can't fix. And I don't know how to let that go.

Day 3: Something I Have To Forgive Myself For

2010-11-03T12:06:00.000-07:00

(or, Something for Which I Have to Forgive Myself. *cough*grammar nerd *cough*)

I need to forgive myself for so many things, whether from yesterday or from 10 years ago. There is no grand event that stands out as something for which I'm still angry with myself, but instead small things creep up, and I wish I hadn't carried one situation too far, hadn't spoken harsh words out of anger, perhaps hadn't made certain pivotal decisions quite as carelessly. I think that what it all comes down to, whether it's a big fight with a loved one or an unkind thought about the person who just cut me off in traffic, is forgiving myself for being human. This of course does not mean giving up and never striving to be better, but to allow myself to start every day with a clean slate, and all the potential in the world.

Day 2: Something I Love

2010-11-02T17:40:00.000-07:00

It's harder than I thought it would be to choose just one thing! The simple exercise of sitting here and thinking of it, however, is making me smile.

I love my ability to see and appreciate beauty. I was walking around the property earlier today, and I could see beauty in so many places. Even where things are falling apart, becoming dormant for the winter, or just plain dying, I can see something beautiful. The bright red maple pictured here encourages

me on some of my grayest days - it remains vibrant amidst the rain and fog, doesn't allow its colour to be leached out by its surroundings.

Even when humanity is disappointing, or others around me are decrying the loss of decency, most days - and I wish it were every day - but most days, I can find something worth keeping. There is always a bright spot, a redeeming factor. That woman - she has a smile that lights up her whole face, if you can only coax it out of her. That child, mid-tantrum, is secure enough in his parents' love that he knows, even after his meltdown, and during and after the necessary discipline, that love will not reject him. That man rushing about, budging in front of you in line at the grocery store, he's doing his very best to care for his family, even if he doesn't always know how to express that in words.

I love how entrenched I can be in a symphony, or the bluegrass (the lovely Alison Krauss) to which I'm listening now. I love that through music, through photography, and through learning to give grace in some small manner in accordance with what I've received, I am getting better and better at seeing the beautiful. In this, I have many great teachers, many photographers and writers and beautiful souls, but I'd like to thank one in particular today, and that is Karen Walrond, who is all three. She's just come out with a book called The Beauty of Different (The book is available from Bright Sky Press and Amazon) and if you'd like (and of course, I think you would!) you can read about it on her blog by the same name. (Don't ask me how many times I had to check that spelling!) I encourage you to enter the contest - I did, and gained an additional entry by linking to it here.

More importantly, though, I want to thank Karen for helping `me to learn better how to see the beauty in everyone and everything around us. That learning, and looking, has helped me to learn that the vision in me is something that I love.

On Being Brave, and Day 1

2010-11-01T10:44:00.000-07:00

I commented on my dear Robyn's blog yesterday that if I were to attempt NaBloPoMo this year, I might try the '30 Days of Truth'. And then I realized that would probably be terrifying, so I chickened out and said I may write it in a paper journal instead. However, over the last day or so I've come to realize that without the accountability factor, I don't think I'd be brave enough to delve into some of these tough questions, and so, with some judicious editing, of course, I have decided that I will indeed post each day in November, with 30 truths.

Day 1: Something I hate about myself.

I hate that this starts with hate. While it would be more challenging, I'd prefer to start with something I love about myself, because then I might have less trouble choosing just one. So, deep breath...

I hate that I so rarely follow through. Whether it's cleaning house, taking better care of myself physically (or mentally, or emotionally!), academics, you name it - I can start off with the greatest intentions, but as time wears on, I wear out.

I know that it is partly the discouragement and low spirits that come with clinical depression, the lack of motivation is not purely my own, but I also know it is something that I can work at, chip away, little by little. Maybe that's why I'm doing this - to remind myself that I am capable of finishing things, albeit simple and perhaps unimportant ones. I'm taking this chance to remind myself that every day is a new day, and today, I can start working on one of those hated characteristics, to come a little bit closer to wholly loving myself.

(gag, saccharine, I know, I know. Bear with me, this could end up actually being fun.)

Controversial Topics

2010-04-19T06:34:00.000-07:00

Last night in small group, we were talking about a controversial topic. I love talking about things, though, because it helps me to distill and articulate what, exactly, I believe. When Kim shared an article about the Pro-Choice movement, I started writing what I meant to be a fairly brief comment. Instead, it turned into the following post:

I have really mixed feelings on a lot of levels about abortion, but a law preventing state funding in cases of maternal jeopardy, rape and incest?? I am one of those who finds it morally wrong - but not everything morally wrong is illegal, or should be. Because, of course, though their are a lot of similarities in the American justice system to Judeo-Christian beliefs, they are not in fact the same. I have always been pro-life for moral reasons, and because I do also believe that abortion can cause women a lot of harm as well, physically from complications - though I know these are fairly rare and that it's a basic medical procedure - but also potentially psychologically. I'd like to see a lot more support for women facing that choice, from counselors who are not biased one way or another.
I'd also like to see more intelligent sex education - that yes, does include abstinence, because it really is the only 100% effective way of preventing pregnancies and STDs - but not abstinence-only, because people need to be fully educated to make whatever decision they settle upon, and I want to see better access to and insurance coverage of birth control for women. I truly hate when abortion is used as a backup plan for people who were careless with birth control. I know, as I just mentioned, that no form of birth control is 100% effective, but when people have unprotected sex and use abortion to "clean up their mess" I feel that is taking advantage of a serious medical procedure best reserved for emergencies. This particular thought, I know, is shaped by an acquaintance I had in high school, who, at 15, came to me one week and said, "I'm pregnant" and the next week said, "I got rid of it." I was only 16 myself, and I cried a lot of tears for that lost life. Over the years, she went on to have another abortion and an unplanned pregnancy that she carried to term, and kept the baby. I found myself incredibly frustrated by what to me seemed to be a failure to learn from the past and a total abuse of a system taken for granted.
For those considering abortion, I would encourage them to never, ever take the decision lightly. I know that many or most people don't, but I feel the need to stress that. There are options, and yes pregnancy could be very difficult and challenging at the wrong time in your life, but I do wish more people would strongly consider adoption. It's so sad that when there are families who are infertile and longing for a child of their own and wanting and waiting to adopt (or families who already have children who possess that extra grace and love to take in another child), when there are millions of healthy pregnancies being terminated in North America (this discussion opened around American law, but I'm Canadian, so I now broaden the topic slightly.)
All of that said, abortion is legal, and I believe it will stay that way. My moral opposition does not translate to a legal argument, and a person does have a right to control their own body, under the law. And so, as much as I could never do it myself, as much as every lost child grieves my heart, and as much as I believe it to be a morally wrong choice - that is my choice. I believe that freedom of choice involves being able to make fully educated decisions for yourself. I advocate full and unbiased education. Whenever possible, even when difficult, I would urge women to choose life. But ultimately, that is what it is, and what it must be: a choice.
So I find myself in a complicated position, aligning fairly closely with Hilary Clinton's view that "abortion should be safe, legal, and rare." I am right in the middle of two diametrically and sometimes violently opposed viewpoints. I am pro-life. I pray that everyone would choose life, but I recognize that right of choice. I am pro-life, and I am pro-choice. I don't know if that would make me any friends in either camp.

Adventures in Islam, Part VI

2010-04-08T00:06:00.000-07:00

In which I finally get to talk to a Muslim woman :)

Faisal had given me the number of a sister who was willing to talk to me, and so one evening I telephoned her, and we arranged to meet Sunday afternoon at her family's store. This was how I found out that she and her husband run one of the halal markets in town. She is a lovely woman, kind and friendly, and welcoming as she wrangles her children while we await their father. Her name is Asifa, her husband is Amir, and they opened the market in February. Before that, they ran a gas station, here in [town], and previously in Revelstoke. They also lived in Windsor, Ontario, and Calgary. Asifa immigrated to Canada from Pakistan at fourteen years of age in 1992 with her father and siblings; her mother died when she was 7 or 8. Amir came to Canada in 1997, his immigration sponsored by Asifa's family, and they married three days after his arrival, their wedding day the first day they met. They speak Urdu in their home, the native language of Pakistan, and encourage it so their children can communicate easily with grandparents. Asifa is happy in her marriage; she says her husband is a good companion. The marriage was arranged between their families, and Asifa said that arranged marriages are largely based upon family reputations. She said that she trusted her family's judgment, as they knew her well, and “God is planning everything”. Even with arranged marriage, she said, the bride and bridegroom have the right to refuse. The couple has a fairly traditional division of household labour, at least from the Western view: she does the inside jobs and he takes care of outside chores such as garbage, lawn mowing and the like. He runs the store, and she is focused on child care. However, they will fill in for one another as needed, and Asifa stressed the nature of the relationship as companions and partners in raising children. For example, Asifa will mind the store on Fridays when Amir goes to prayer, and Amir was in charge of minding the children while Asifa and I spoke; he also served us some delicious samosas to snack on.

Asifa and Amir have four children, all boys and all under the age of 10. Though they do not practice any birth control beyond what Asifa called “natural measures”, she does not plan to have any more. Birth control is not strictly forbidden, she said, but definitely frowned upon, and abortion is only allowed if medically necessary to the mother's health. When I asked her if she felt she'd been well prepared for the intimacies of marriage, especially with her mother dying at a young age, she smile and said she had married older sisters and a very open relationship. This openness made Asifa very easy to talk to, and very informative about details of being female and Muslim. For example, I was surprised to learn that women are not supposed to pray during menstruation. They may go to the mosque – Asifa has, and the other women wondered why she didn't join in prayer, because her whole family was going – but not pray. Also, Islamic law says that a child must be weaned after two years, pregnant or nursing women are exempted from fasting during Ramadan – the days may be “made up” later if they are able – and the details of cleanup after accidents by young children is determined by whether or not they are nursing. Asifa covers her hair when in public, but said her sister follows very strictly, showing only her eyes, and wearing gloves. Makeup is permitted, Asifa said, but only when it will be seen exclusively by other women or her husband. When I asked Asifa about her views on polygamy, she said she would be alright with a second wife, and when I asked about the possibility of jealousy, she said that both wives would live together like sisters. But, she said, though everything must be equal, the husband would always love his first wife most.

I also asked about her knowledge of halal foods, as she and Amir run a specifically halal market. Halal meat, she told me, must be slaughtered in a specific way: the animals may not be shot, but slaughtered with a knife, and the takbir (“Allahu Akbar”) must be said as they are killed. Upon the birth of a child, an animal sacrifice is to be made by the parents of a goat or a lamb, two animals fora boy and one for a girl. Pork is definitely haram, and in fact they may not even say the word “pig”: when we spoke, Asifa spelled it out one letter at a time. If she were to say it, she explained, she would have to wash her tongue three times. Other very specific ablutions must also be performed by the devout Muslim. Before prayer, one must wash the hands to the elbow, the mouth, feet and face. The face may be washed a maximum of three times, and this must all be done with the right hand, right side first, except for the nose which must be cleaned with the left hand. This is called wadhu, and the purified state can last between prayers, unless one comes into contact with the genitals (one's own, or when aiding a young child with the washroom or diapers) or the bodily fluids of a child who is no longer nursing. The mosque in [town] is currently working on building new wadhu facilities for their members to use.

When the female members come together for “female circle”, Asifa said, there are usually 6 or 7 ladies, often with small children. Larger mosques, she noted, will provide childcare. They spend time memorizing scriptures, translating, or praying. They recite the second daily prayer at around 1:15pm at this time of year, then eat. When I asked her about Dr. S___'s theory that women were more comfortable praying at home, she thought perhaps it was more likely due to responsibilities of child care, including nap and school schedules and potty training. The “female circle” though, is a fairly important part of a [town] Muslim woman's social life, if she can make it. Asifa met one friend at the mosque who has children of a similar age, so they meet for the children to play and the mothers to talk, and that friend introduced her to another, and so on. Also, she mentioned that she has come upon new friends by seeing a woman with her head covered shopping in the large supermarket, approaching her and starting a conversation.

Still, for both the men and the women, the mosque seems to play a highly significant social role, and most interactions appear to be with others of the Muslim faith. This may be easier partially because many people are immigrants and relatively new in town, and also it would help to avoid somewhat awkward social situations. For example, I did not learn it was inappropriate for a Muslim man to look a woman in the eye until saying goodbye to Asifa and Amir after conducting my final interview. Finally this explained why none of the men arriving at prayer at the mosque for my first contact would make eye contact!

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Want to start at the beginning? Part I is here.

Adventures in Islam, Part V

2010-04-07T06:40:00.000-07:00

Speaking to two young men on campus one afternoon.

My next interviewees were two young men, MBA students from [my local] University, Talib and Ibrahim. Both are here temporarily as a function of their studies. Ibrahim is from Saudi Arabia, the birthplace of Islam and the location of Mecca. Talib was born in India, but moved to Dubai, where he was raised, as an infant. I asked him what it meant for him to be a Muslim, here and now. He explained that he saw it as an attitude of accountability to God, that living as a true Muslim meant to be “constantly reminded about your creator”. While he finds support from the community, he stressed that it is individual background and one's own devotion to the faith that mattered most. He asserted that one did not simply “inherit the title” by being raised in a Muslim family, and that being “Muslim” simply meant being submitted to God – and he and Ibrahim agreed that all creatures on earth are and must be submitted to God – but the ideal towards which they strive is to be mo'men, or “faithful”. Like Dr. S___, Talib emphasized the importance of following the Qu'ran, but he had a slightly different metaphor than the physician. Instead of calling it a prescription, he compared it to an owner's manual, such as one for a telephone or a car. The Qu'ran is a manual for life, he and Ibrahim said, and God, as the creator, knows best how to run our lives. Talib elaborated, “If in a petrol car, I put diesel, it will not operate!” Though some rules have now been proven to have scientific basis, such as using a toothbrush – or more traditionally, a miswak, something of a cross between a brush and a toothpick, which both men said they used back home – Talib and Ibrahim said that most people do not look for the reasons behind the rules.

I asked them how being Muslim affected their social lives, particularly at [our university]. Ibrahim said that he found it did, especially when other students are immersed in the drinking and partying lifestyle common to many, as alcohol is forbidden to Muslims. Talib emphasized that he did not feel like he was missing out, and felt he could interact easily and have open conversations about religion with other students. “I couldn't imagine anything better happening to me” he said, “than being a Muslim”. I then asked about restrictions, what sort of things from which the Qu'ran or Hadith directed them away. “Everything is halal, except that which is haram”, or everything is lawful except that which is forbidden. They mentioned alcohol, or anything that could be an intoxicant such as other drugs. Also considered haram were premarital sex and birth control, though they qualified the latter could be acceptable if necessary for the woman's health. Additionally, like Jewish persons, Muslims are forbidden from eating pork or any pork products. Ibrahim mentioned that he'd been meaning to go to the halal market – there are two in town, now – to find some special Jello that didn't use ground pig bone. The observance of halal and how strictly it is followed can depend on the beliefs of the individual and how strictly they feel they must follow the rules as laid out.

I also spoke to Talib and Ibrahim about the role of women in Islam. Talib said, “How Islam treats women is like a jewel”. Ibrahim cited a story in which the Prophet was asked whom he should favour, between his mother and his father. Three times the Prophet was asked, and three times he answered, “Your mother.” The fourth time he was asked, he responded with “your father”, and Ibrahim said that this demonstrated that the mother should be favoured three times more than the father. Mohammed, they said, set an example of treating women well, and even that the first time in history women were allowed to vote was when Mohammed was voted in as a religious leader. “You need to separate between culture and religion”, Ibrahim told me. In some Muslim countries, the federal law may been different or even entirely opposite of Islamic law. Islamic law provides for women, through their dowry, which stays in their name upon their marriage, and though a parent's assets upon their death are divided with two-thirds going to the male heir and only one-third to the female, the law dictates that the male is entirely responsible for the financial care of the female, paying all her expenses.

According to Talib and Ibrahim, a wife has a lot of power. She may seek divorce if she is unhappy for any reason – though the husband does not have to appear before a (almost certainly male) judge in petition, and can simply divorce a woman by saying “I divorce you” three times – and “she can make his life like hell”. An unmarried woman has the right to refuse her suitor, they said, and the qualities a suitor seeks in a wife value her character and her role as a mother-educator for their children and companion over her physical beauty. The main responsibility of the woman is as a mother, and she works outside the home only if she chooses to, and any income is solely hers to retain. A man may not take a second or third or fourth wife – up to four wives for one husband are allowed per Islamic law – without the permission of his first wife, and he must provide equally for all of them, including separate households if they so desire. Still, if this is the literal Islamic law, there have also been damaging interpretations and as mentioned, a country's law may be completely different, enforced in the name of God. The conversation between the two gentlemen and I was filled with questions on my part, and admittedly some bias, but they were gracious in answering my questions with good humour. Still, I thought it would be more informative in this particular arena if I were able to speak to a woman.

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Want to start at the beginning? Part I is here.

Adventures in Islam, Part IV

2010-04-07T05:05:00.000-07:00

After my great horror at reading about events in Bosnia that through much of my sheltered life I had no idea had ever happened, the chance to speak to Ibishi meant a lot to me. I probably shouldn't say it, it's not terribly professional...but he was my favourite ;)

Though Ibishi, an Albanian man born in Kosovo, immigrated to Canada more than ten years ago, his English is not his strongest language (he also speaks Albanian, Serbo-Croat, Macedonian, Montenegrin and Bosnian) – though not nearly as weak as my Albanian – we had some trouble communicating, but Faisal endeavoured to help us the best he could. (Please note that because of that language barrier, this record may contain more paraphrase, or when I do use a direct quote, it may not follow conventional rules of English grammar.) I asked Ibishi, if it was not too rude or impertinent, could he please tell me how old he was. He laughed and said that certainly he had nothing to be ashamed of in his age, and told me that he was sixty-four. When I reflected on the fact that my own father is 61, it seemed Ibishi looked much older. His face is heavily lined, and his smile, though infectious, is far from toothpaste-commercial perfection. He has not had an easy life. When I thanked him for speaking to me about his time in Bosnia, and said that I knew it must be difficult, he shrugged and lightheartedly said, “Is life.” He spoke of Slobodan Milošević, that the things he was inciting and doing were “slowly slowly going worse and worse and worse”. There were soldiers in his province, he said, because of the gold and silver mines, and the land and climate were ideal for agriculture; it was a rich province. He told me how a Serbian soldier was pressuring him to leave, that he would “maybe be killed”. He had a job, he said – as though to prove his worth – “Lost job, papers...burn!” – the emotion is evident in his eyes. The documents, his accreditation for the 28 years he had spent working construction, working with rebar, were destroyed. “He stole everything”, speaking of the solider, “burned me house!” He paused, looked away. “Bosnia was very hard, very difficult”.

He spoke of the previous relationships with Serb and Croat neighbours, how there had been peace, that people would intermarry. He shook his head at the senselessness of it all. “He take a gun”, Ibishi said, motioning and making rat-a-tat machine gun sounds, “and kill everybody for no reason!” He told me how his second son, only in high school at the time, was stopped by the Serbian military, and along with the eleven friends with whom he was walking, was lined up against and wall and threatened, that the soldier had held the point of a bayonet to his throat. His son survived, but Ibishi explained that even now, he has “bad dream[s]...just start[s] to cry”. He likely suffers from post-traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD, which is unsurprising given such experiences and memories.

When Ibishi and his family were leaving his home province, trying to escape, they were once again accosted by the military. What little they had managed to escape with was stolen or destroyed. “He had power”, Ibishi said, “I had empty hands”. In spite of losing so much, his job, his home, everything he had worked for, being forced from his birthplace and herded through refugee camps, Ibishi remains remarkably positive. He keeps his perspective on those things which matter most. “Somebody losed all family”, he said, and Ibishi, his wife and his five children all escaped with their lives. They immigrated among the 5000 refugees the government of Canada would allow, and landed in Nova Scotia. When asked by the immigration officials where he wanted to settle, he said, “I want to go to some warm place”. He was sponsored by a family in [town], and now lives here with his wife, one son and his daughter. The other three boys now live in Calgary. Ibishi expresses happiness that they all have jobs; employment – and likely the feeling of contribution and feeling of usefulness it can impart – seems very important to him. Even with struggles and trials that could easily destroy the human spirit, Ibishi remains thankful. I wonder if his belief in God and his sovereignty has helped to bring him the peace he now seems to have.

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Want to start at the beginning? Part I is here.

Adventures in Islam, Part III

2010-04-07T05:04:00.001-07:00

This one is a little bit shorter...

My second interview was with my initial contact, Faisal. He too is a married father of young children: a daughter who is six, and two sons, five and three. He appears to be an unassuming man, with a kind face and a gentle manner. He immigrated from Pakistan several years ago, and after three years in Toronto, moved to [town], where he now works as a traffic engineer. He said that he found the move a challenge to his faith, that it became stronger when he was more independent from the extensive support network he had in Toronto. He spoke of what it was like to “do Ramadan” alone, and what it was like to own his belief, “understand the importance and significance of [his] faith”.

Faisal explained to me some of the details of Ramadan, and while I knew of the fasting, I was surprised to learn that Muslims are also instructed to refrain from drinking, even water, between dawn and dusk during the holy month. The rules of when one is to eat during Ramadan are also very specific: no more than ten minutes after sunset. Faisal pointed out that expectant mothers, children and the elderly or infirm are not required to fast during daylight hours, but may and do join in the communal feasts that occur after the sun goes down. The entire community is more involved during Ramadan, and instead of only having the monthly potluck, the mosque arranges feasts twice weekly, on Saturday and Sunday nights. The month of Ramadan is very social. Faisal noted that he “feel[s] blessed having other Muslims” with him, whether they are also fasting or not. It seemed that Faisal had benefited both from times of social famine and feast in his spiritual life. He is quite apparently fond of his fellow believers, and told me a little about from where some of them had come, one in particular stood out, because of recent readings about genocide in Bosnia, and so I asked if he would introduce me to his brother from Kosovo.

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Want to start at the beginning? Part I is here.

Adventures in Islam, Part II

2010-04-07T03:15:00.000-07:00

In which I speak with Dr. Ezra (the English equivalent of his given name.)

Dr. Uzair S___ is a medical doctor, a general practitioner from South Africa. He appeared to be in his 30s, dark-skinned with short hair and glasses. He was, by contemporary Canadian standards, well dressed and pleasant-looking. He is married with two children, he told me, a girl and a boy, 3 and 1 years old respectively. The 3-year-old is already learning about the Qu'ran; Uzair said that she attends the mosque's weekly madresa, the Islamic equivalent of Sunday School.

Uzair also spoke briefly of the social life surrounding the mosque, saying that there are monthly potlucks that many families attend, where the emphasis is not as explicitly spiritual, and the community gathers to speak of life in general, visiting and strengthening social bonds. When asked about his wife's relationships, he also said that she spends time with other ladies from the mosque, and sometimes attends playgrounds with other mothers of young children.

Uzair told me some of the basics of their community and their beliefs. He explained that the juma service, or “gathering” was considered of highest importance, obligatory for the men to attend, and between twenty and fifty people attend each week, some coming from out of town. More women and families do attend the Friday services, though it is not required of them, but Uzair hypothesized that many do not come because they feel more comfortable praying in their own homes. He called the prayer process “pour[ing] your heart out to God”, and explained that there were special ablutions to be performed before prayers, which was explained to me in a more in-depth manner by one of my later interviewees.

Uzair spoke to me of the Qu'ran, and that the Muslims see it as God's word as revealed to the Prophet Mohammed in approximately 700AD. The Prophet is said to have memorized the words that were later transcribed. “Not a single word has changed” he told me, it is “pure”, the “exact word of God” and to change even the smallest thing, even a comma, is considered a very grave sin. The Qu'ran was written in Arabic, and children learn to read it from their school days, either in an Islamic school where all subjects are taught through an Islamic worldview, or by supplemental education from their parents or the mosque.

In addition to the Qu'ran, Muslims read the Hadith, which is composed of stories and principles based on the life of the prophet. It was written retrospectively by scholars who gathered data and interviewed the Prophet Mohammed's peers, and it is sometimes very personal, including the way that he spoke to his wives and children. Uzair, as a doctor, explained that the Prophet's life is a prescription for the Muslim believer, a template upon which to base their lives. Islam, he told me, is less of a belief system and more a way of life. Islam, he said, literally means “submission”, and is essentially focused around submission to the will of God as demonstrated by the Prophet. Islam started in Saudi Arabia, and spread, Uzair said, because of people noticing that the believers were honorable in their communities. Islam dictates how believers interact with the world around them; they are to be at harmony with the world and people of different beliefs. While Muslims do believe in heaven, hell and punishment for sins to be meted out on Judgement Day, they also believe that deeds dictate eternal outcome, and that they are to “let God judge”. Islam counts all men equal, he says, and the white loincloth worn during pilgrimages to Mecca reflects that – that all men approach God naked and poor.

As to their relations towards those who do not believe as they do, the Muslims call Jews and Christians “People of the Book”, believing that all three religions believe in the same God, but interpret that in different ways. Muslims believe in much of the Old Testament, and several of the prophets are respected across religions, and they believe that Jesus was a great prophet, but not the Son of God. Many differences in Islam also come up between those of the Sunni and those of the Shi'a belief systems. Uzair explained that while the Muslim community in [town], being Sunni, believes that Mohammed is the true prophet of God, and the final prophet, the Shi'a believe a disciple of Mohammed's holds that distinction, but the core values of Islam remain the same.

Uzair emphasized that Islam is at its heart is a very peaceful religion. When I asked him what he thought about the terrorist stereotype and some of the Western misunderstandings regarding Islam, he expressed disappointment and noted that “God has been used as a weapon”. Certainly this has not only been done by those calling themselves Muslims, but other religions as well: the Catholic Croats in Bosnia, the medieval Christians in the crusades, and Uzair brought up the example of the Dutch Reformed Church and apartheid in his home country of South Africa. He emphasized that such things are a very poor reflection of true Islamic belief, and nothing the Prophet or God would ever have condoned. I thanked him for his time and knowledge, he left, and then I began my next interview.

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Want to start at the beginning? Part I is here.

Adventures in Islam, Part I

2010-04-07T00:23:00.001-07:00

For my Anthropology class, I looked into the practice of Islam in my community. I found it very interesting to understand more about another religion, especially one with whom my faith shares such a complex and emotionally charged past. I thought that I would share this here for any of you who are interested in reading it, and as it is part of a rather significant research paper, I'll cull the more interesting parts, and share them in shorter (though likely still fairly long) segments here. Here is part one: my visit to the mosque.

One of the most fascinating facets of the community of Islamic believers in [my city] is its ethnic diversity. In the scope of my interviews, I interviewed Muslims from South Africa, Pakistan, Kosovo, a young man born in India who was raised in Dubai in the United Arab Emirates, and one from Saudi Arabia, and I was told that the mosque was also spiritual center to individuals from Malaysia, Egypt and Libya. The Muslim community in [my city], as I saw it, appears to be made up entirely of immigrants from all over the world, each with their own unique story and perspective on life and Islam.

When I first inquired if anyone from the Islamic community was available to speak with me, via the electronic mail address on the [redacted] mosque website, I was invited to attend one of their evening prayer services. I was at first startled at the late hour I was told to arrive, nine o'clock in the evening. I later learned that the hour was due to the prescribed times for prayer, based on the Islamic lunar calendar and the rising and setting of the sun. When I arrived at the house that is currently serving as the mosque, no one immediately answered my knock. I stood on the verandah worrying if perhaps I had gone to the wrong house. Eventually a few other cars pulled up, but none of the young men who approached spoke to me, though one wished me Salaam, and none invited me in, nor would they meet my eyes. At the time, I did not know the reason for this. After a few minutes, one of the men let Faisal, the man who had responded to my e-mail inquiry and invited me to the service, know that I was there. I was welcomed in and instructed where I could and could not wear my shoes; I had already asked in my e-mail if I should wear a head covering, and was told that yes, that would be appreciated although not strictly necessary. I was shown the women's area of the mosque, but as there were no other women present, I was invited to observe the prayer service from the back of the men's prayer room in the basement. An 8-year-old boy held the heavy fire door for me as I entered, and I was given a plastic deck chair to sit on.

The men gathered near the front of the room, sitting or kneeling along diagonal lines delineated by alternating colours of carpet. I later learned that this was arranged to point towards Mecca, as Muslims traditionally do when they pray. In the front corner of the prayer hall, there was a small arched alcove, which contained a rug on the left and what appeared to be an altar of some sort on the right. After a few moments, from the back of the room Faisal began the call to prayer, opening with the only words I understood for much of the evening: “Allahu Akbar”. I observed the men, noting that most were young, under 40, other than one older gentleman and the aforementioned young boy. I smiled as I watched the boy squirm and struggle a little to focus his attention, as would any child in such a solemn adult context. As the prayers were said, the men rotated between sitting, kneeling and standing in the traditional prayer positions. Faisal and another man, whom I was informed is a [local university] professor who serves as imam, or leader of the mosque, when he is available alternated in leading prayers. Some of the men wore head coverings, some did not, but all had removed their footwear – other than the older man who wore some sort of white slippers or booties that were obviously not his street shoes. Their pant legs were rolled up a few inches so that their hems did not touch the ground. In the midst of a pause in the prayer, someone's cel phone rang. Once more, I smile to myself, because this is a common occurrence in my Christian church as well: everyone aims to be respectful and turn off their cel phones during a time where Allah or God is meant to be the primary focus, but in the modern age of constant digital accessibility, sometimes the “mute” button is forgotten. Many of the men, slightly nervously, checked the screens of their own phones to ensure that they had remembered to turn their phones to silent mode.

Continuing their prayers, the imam moved to the rug in the alcove and all the men to the front “row” of the diagonal carpet lines. Once more, they prayed, this time in a responsive format where the imam would say a line or two and the men would answer. They stood, kneeled, bent at the waist, all in accordance with the prayers they were saying at the time. Then they sat, and a young man in his 20s stood and removed a volume from the bookshelf on the front wall of the room. He opened it and read the same passage several times, in both English and Arabic. The men then returned to their original positions throughout the room, and after a few minutes gathered again at the front, this time sitting in a circle for some visiting time, a casual “male circle” – a slightly more formal version of which the mosque runs on Saturday nights after the last prayer. The “female circle” occurs on Mondays. I was told that more women attend the Friday services with their families. When the women are present, they pray in their own room, upstairs, and the prayers are relayed to them by a speaker system from downstairs. As several of the men continued to visit at the front of the room, I began my first interview.

Stay tuned for part two :) I interviewed a young father, a doctor from South Africa.

Toys!

2010-03-29T23:59:00.001-07:00

Robyn just blogged about Epiphanie and darn it I want one too! They're running a pretty sweet contest!
I'd heard about the contest via the Beyond Snapshots blog (but didn't have any brilliant red photos to compete) and their bags are just so lovely! Robyn said she'd have a hard time choosing between the camera prize and the travel card, but not me, man. I know I'm still growing into the camera I have, so, please, I want to GO somewhere!!!

Breaking Down

2010-03-16T20:35:00.000-07:00

Nope, not me. The numbers:

Psych: 8-9 hours coursework + 16 studying (the studying falls after April 8th, and so is not part of my calculations)
Anthropology: 17-19 hours coursework, including reading, + 6 hours studying (before March 31st, therefore IS part of my calculations)
Photography: (provided I can convince the prof to let me finish) 18-21 hours coursework
For a total of 59-65 hours.

Distance classes: Political Science, about 32 hours, and English, about 40.

So that means, if I ditch the distance classes, and I work on this Monday-Friday (on top of my regular class hours) I will need to do just over 4 hours of work per day. If I keep the distance classes, then that number more than doubles, to 9. Then again, I could also keep only ONE of the distance classes (I'll be discussing what to do about that with my adviser tomorrow) and have either 2 or 3 more hours, depending which I chose.
If I gave up my Saturdays, I could do a little less work each day. But I think if I do all this, that having a day completely off (since on Sunday I have church and my cell group) would be really healthy.
It may seem silly to some to have taken so much time to figure this all out, but I am less stressed about it having broken it down and seeing, or at least estimating, exactly how much time it will all take. Even though it's still obviously a whole lot of work, knowing what that work is, is easier. It's just like eating an elephant, right? One bite at a time.

Pondering Important Things

2010-03-16T08:36:00.001-07:00

I've been terrified this entire year of saying that I will graduate in May, because the biggest part of me honestly doesn't believe I can do it. As it stands right now, to graduate, I need to:

- finish the two summer correspondence classes that I've barely started by April 7th (probably at least 60 hours of work)
- two book summaries (only 2pgs each) and a research paper on a local minority religion (don't even know whom to ask)
- full photography portfolio (at least 5 more rolls of film, I think, including developing the negatives, making a contact sheet, and developing selected prints - hugely time consuming), 2pg reading summary, and photographer presentation for a class which the prof said that I "need to strongly consider withdrawing". And she's right, because I've missed a ridiculous amount of class, and it's a studio class, so attendance is very important. She says I should get a medical withdrawal because of my depression ... but to get a medical withdrawal, you must withdraw from the entire semester, and then I would lose the entire YEAR of stats, which is the only class in which I'm not ABSURDLY behind. So I really, really WANT to make it work, if at all possible.
- analyze and report on the data from our study in stats class and finish the major research paper on that
- finish two statistics assignments (due next Thursday and the Thursday after), a quiz today, and a comprehensive final exam April 17th

And I think that's everything, almost all of it in the next three weeks. I think if I had the work ethic of some of my friends, I might be able to pull it off. I'm so scared, and so daunted, and worst of all, terrified of just how much I'll hate myself if I fail. I want to cry, and hide, and give up, almost as much as I don't. So I guess it's just a question of letting the determined part of me win out over the coward, to beat down the worst of the depression, at least for a few weeks.

Because The Bloggess Said So

2010-03-03T18:15:00.001-08:00

With all the web-type blog awards that go around, some of us non-famous folk tend to feel a little left out. Never fear - The Bloggess to the rescue! She let us pick our very own award from a selection of proud titles, and while I was tempted to go with this one:
Or maybe even this one:

I have decided that the one that best applies, and really, the one of which I am most proud is this:
Because really, people - IT'S NOT THAT HARD!

It would probably get a z-score inside the region of rejection!

2010-03-01T23:39:00.001-08:00

I am reading silly cartoons. And anything that can makes stats amusing to me gets major kudos!

Quote of the Day

2009-12-17T08:11:00.000-08:00

Seen on a prof's door at the University:
"Use what talent you possess: the woods would be very silent if no birds sang except those that sang best." - Henry Van Dyke

Walking with God

2009-12-03T16:01:00.000-08:00

I am currently writing an essay on religious poetry, including the poem Walking with God by William Cowper, and I am quite liking this one, so I thought I'd share:

Walking with God
by William Cowper

Oh! for a closer walk with God,
A calm and heavenly frame;
A light to shine upon the road
That leads me to the Lamb!

Where is the blessedness I knew
When first I saw the Lord?
Where is the soul-refershing view
Of Jesus and his word?

What peaceful hours I once enjoyed!
How sweet their memory still!
But they have left an aching void,
The world can never fill.

Return, O holy Dove, return!
Sweet the messenger of rest!
I hate the sins that made thee mourn
And drove thee from my breast.

The dearest idol I have known,
Whate'er that idol be,
Help me to tear it from thy throne,
And worship only thee.

So shall my walk be close with God,
Calm and serene my frame;
So purer light shall mark the road
That leads me to the Lamb.

Beautiful, isn't it? Now, back to work!

NaBloPoWhat?!

2009-11-30T21:00:00.000-08:00

Oh, yeah. Fail. Sorry guys! My computer kind of blew up a little bit and I haven't had internet at home, in addition to feeling kind of exceptionally crummy, so that whole blogging every day thing just crashed.
I should be doing homework right now, so this is all you get. But I'm fine. Alive. Just letting you know.
At ease.
PS - thankful that I can get internet at school :)

The Way To Make It Work

2009-11-23T23:00:00.001-08:00

I've discovered over the years that I am very good at planning things out: budgets, timelines, to-do lists, really life in general! Unfortunately, where I fall flat is on following through on all these brilliant plans.
I sat down tonight to plan out the next week, down to hourly accounting and all sorts of goals, with all my appointments in there for good measure. I look at it, and everything feels pretty achievable, but then I fall just a little bit short of those goals. All of a sudden it's all overwhelming but instead of tackling it in those bite-sized chunks into which I've broken it down (How do you eat an elephant?) I simply become entirely daunted by the enormity of it all and hide away intellectually and emotionally. I'll sleep or read or watch mindless TV, and that just feeds the stress machine and makes me even more angry with myself and to feel even less like I can conquer the mountain (or molehill!)
So what do you do when the t0-do list threatens? I've found this list pretty useful, in theory, but have a hard time applying even that. What works for you? Lay it on me!
Oh, and today? I'm thankful that I'm going to bed. Now. Here's hoping for a really good and restful sleep! Cheers!

New Moon

2009-11-21T22:41:00.000-08:00

Well, Robyn, Jen and I went to see New Moon. It was pretty fun. Because of the huge demand, we bought our tickets yesterday, and then still showed up two hours early to the theatre to join the line, though thankfully we didn't have to wait long before they let us in to sit down. I didn't even have to break out the playing cards ;)
Once we actually got in to the theatre somehow I lost my ticket, and had to borrow Jen's so I could leave and come back!
I don't have a ton to say about the movie, so you needn't worry about spoilers. It was definitely better than the first one, though still pretty cheesy, with lots and lots of shirtlessness, and while Jacob looks darn hot, it's also a little weird, because he's only 17! So I felt a little guilty counting his (8) abs. Only a little though ;)
What I will say is that it was fun to go with people who were keen enough on the film to go with Jacob and Edward t-shirts. As I said before, Robyn's totally team Jacob, whereas Jen is 100% team Edward. Me, I'm still on the fence - they're both pretty much babies anyway - so I'm sticking to Team Gerard Butler. The fact that he wasn't in this movie is totally irrelevant of course. I almost wanted to slip away to see Law Abiding Citizen - I hear he's shirtless in that one too.
So today, I'm thankful for eye candy (what? I'm allowed! lol), silliness, and hanging out with the girls. All in all, it was a pretty good day!

Adventure, Day One

2009-11-20T22:31:00.000-08:00

Well, the driving was worst between Merritt and Kamloops, actually, in my humble opinion, though that may just have been me getting used to winter highway driving. Because I couldn't sleep, I ended up leaving home around 4am, arriving in Langely around 8:30, so I hung out around a local Starbucks until it was time to meet the lovely Karen at 10.It was wonderful to see her - my only complaint was that she wasn't able to bring the girls because they had to be in daycare! We'll have to set up a full family date soon!
After brunch I headed over to Robyn's, where we dashed into downtown to take some pictures - more of those to come - and there was a great deal of geeking out over our cameras.
Then, we headed over to the theater to pick up our tickets for New Moon tomorrow night, browsed around Lush until we had scent-induced headaches, and then went off in search of dinner. We both really wanted to hit up the Olive Garden, and while we knew there was one in Langley, Robyn was sure she had seen one closer to home. After a rather convoluted drive and several changes of directions, not to mention rush hour and crazy city drivers, along with heavy rain, enormous puddles, and oh yes, a thunderstorm - we arrived only to find that it was... a Bread Garden instead.
The hunger and sleep-induced hysteria definitely set in then, because I don't know the last time that I giggled that hard. So, we gave up our quest for mass-produced Italian food, and instead headed for a local place closer to home - and it was delicious! The portions were absolutely huge, which had us excited - the leftovers are in the fridge awaiting our pleasure at lunch tomorrow!
More adventures to come, I am sure! For now - I am thankful I arrived here safely in spite of dodgy roads, and I am very thankful for my dear cousin, Miss Bobyn.
<3

Road Trip!

2009-11-19T22:31:00.000-08:00

I'm heading down to the coast tomorrow to see my sisters and my adopted cousin, Robyn. I'm pretty stoked! I'm not 100% sure what we'll be doing, but I believe it will involve going to New Moon with her Edward-obsessed roommate...though Robyn's more likely to root for Team Jacob (she says because then she could have puppies!)
I also know that the weekend will involve some sort of photo-adventuring, as we did last time, which got me some of my favourite pictures of Bob, like this one...

and this one...

Oh, and Robyn also got this cute one of me (if I do say so myself haha!)

So hopefully, we'll have more adorable photographic evidence of this weekend! I'll keep y'all posted. Meanwhile, i think I'll take myself to bed - 5am is going to come mighty early!

Boom

2009-11-18T15:45:00.000-08:00

This is kind of how it feels in my head right now. I'm going to take some drugs and lay down, but this might be the only blog post y'all get today.

I've been shot!

2009-11-17T15:42:00.000-08:00

H1N1 and the attendant vaccine have been very hot topics lately. I've heard a lot of paranoia about rushed vaccines and how they make you sicker than if you got the actual flu, or other illness consequences. Honestly, though, I think a lot of the panic is just that, and often not well-reasoned. While I don't think the medical establishment is flawless by any means, I think the complete lack of trust that some display is a bit silly!
I have a personal medical adviser in my mum, a nurse with over thirty years experience. When we had to get immunizations in school, I used to make her come in and give me the shots - those public health nurses were none too gentle! She told me last week that she thought I should get both the H1N1 and seasonal flu shots, largely because of a childhood vulnerability of asthma. I talked to my doctor about it yesterday and he advised me to go down to the flu clinic at the mall. The lineup was a bit daunting at first, and the staff member watching the line said the wait was about an hour. Thankfully, it only took me about 15 minutes to get to the nurse, who ended up being a lady I know from church whose sons I have cared for in the nursery. She assured me that she was very gentle and it wouldn't hurt too badly, and it didn't. My left arm's a little sore (I got the H1N1 vaccine in the left and the seasonal vaccine in the right, because H1N1 supposedly hurts more so it was suggested to have that one in my non-dominant hand) and I popped a couple Tylenol earlier, again on Mum's recommendation, but overall I am feeling just fine.
Today, I am thankful that I was able to get the vaccine in a timely manner, and for free, to boot!

My eyes will turn square any day now, according to the mother-lore of my childhood...

2009-11-16T16:03:00.000-08:00

Lately, against what is probably wise time management, there are a few TV show's I've got into this season. Up until this year, I only ever watched Heroes. Lately, it's been pretty confusing, but a few things are coming together and starting to make sense in tonight's episode.
It continues to be my Monday night staple, but I've also got into Lie to Me. How could I resist a show based so heavily on psychological principles? I missed it tonight though, so don't go tellin' me what happened! Thankfully, as with Heroes, if I miss it, I can catch up on GlobalTV.com.
One of the reasons I'd previously avoided "getting into" any shows was the impetus to be home on that night, at that time. Having so many of them available online frees it up. I've been watching The Daily Show online for quite a while now, due to a lack of anything more than basic cable, and a love for Jon Stewart's witty and sarcastic analysis of current events.
Then, of course, there's the new musical/comedy craziness that is Glee! The show and its soundtrack are an awful lot of fun, and I've commented on that before! That one gets catch-up online too.
Finally, there are my Thursday night shows: Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice. The last few weeks, my Thursday night class has been let out early so I can watch them "live" but most weeks I have to get Grey's from ctv.ca. My baby sister's the one who got me into Grey's, so I guess I'll blame her for that particular addiction haha!
So, all that adds up to about 8 hours per week. I guess it could be worse! As long as I can put it off with the online versions until my homework's done, and all that (yes, Mum :P ) I think it's not unmanageable.
So today, silly as it is, I'm thankful for being able to watch shows online - making my entertainment time work around my life, and not the other way around!
What about you? Do you have any shows you get into, or any that are particularly addictive? Alternatively, are there any shows that you just don't get, or actively annoy you? (I've never been able to get into Reality TV - especially Survivor!) Do share!

Okay, so maybe "Sabbath" was yesterday?

2009-11-15T22:46:00.000-08:00

Well, the concert went well! We had a relatively small turnout (Dad said he counted 38) but everyone who was there was great, and super encouraging. I think we played pretty well, and it wasn't too stressful at all (though I missed posting yesterday because of prep as well as hanging out with Mum - there's always so much more a) hockey and b) tea when I'm around her haha!) So I guess this week my Sabbath will be on a more traditional Jewish day!
We sold a few copies of the CD tonight, and hopefully it will be arriving any day now! I'm sure I'll have a little adventure driving around delivering them all over town. I'm hoping and praying they arrive here without any incident, and no trouble with customs and the like (the manufacturer had a Richmond factory, but it closed down about two days after I sent my CDs in, so they had to forward them on to California and that's where they're coming from now.)
It's been really nice to have Mum in town to help out with all this - I called her "my lovely assistant" at the concert tonight - and she's been great, making coffee and tea, plating snacks (a couple ladies from the church brought some, and I baked banana bread and brownies last night as well) and taking orders (and money!) for the CDs. It was also a lot of fun to go out to the hockey game at the pub with her, her friend Lee and my "cousin" Joel! The hockey game was all the more fun, of course, because we (aka the Canucks haha) kicked butt - 8 to 2 - much more fun than the local WHL team's painful 7-2 loss!!
Finally, another highlight of my weekend: Tizzy sent me flowers!!!

Aren't they pretty? Love 'em! (and her!!)
Well, y'all, sorry for all the parentheses, I know they're enough to make any grammarian cringe - but it's super late, and I'm exhausted!
Today, I am thankful for so many things, but namely this: the friends and family who have given me such tremendous support through the whole process of bringing this album to fruition. Oh, *giggle* and my flowers! :D

Yeah, it's bullet time again...

2009-11-13T23:56:00.000-08:00

I went to a hometown hockey game tonight. We lost 7-2. I think I'm bad luck :P Any time I go to the game we seem to lose! Or maybe it was just Friday the 13th. Or, most likely, they're not having that hot of a season! Still, it's probably good we didn't score more or I'd have screamed myself raw and that wouldn't be so good before the concert! There's a technique, I think, to scream without ruining your voice, but I don't know what it is.
Mum and Bev got here safely after a bit of a crazy drive over the Coq in white-out conditions, driving past a 9-vehicle pileup. Yikes! I'm very thankful they're okay.
I went to the massage therapist today. It was marvelous. I wish I could hire her 365 days of the year :P
It snowed!
Yeah okay that's it. I'm tired and I'm going to bed. :P
Thankful today for Mum and Bev's safe arrival. <3

Girlfriends

2009-11-12T23:06:00.000-08:00

I watched a cheesy girl movie tonight, and it made me cry, and wish I had more or just closer girlfriends. I've missed Emily since the beginning of the school year, as her program is super-demanding, and Tiffany's gone to Australia for more than a month - lucky girl! Sometimes I just don't invest what I should into my friends, or I try to be friends with the wrong people and it doesn't work.
Then, I have some good friends who are just too far away. I have my Tizzy, of course, but we're a little strange in that we've only actually met twice!! Going to visit her involves a passport and at least several days. Thankfully Belinda has moved a bit closer - only two hours away instead of more than twelve but it's still a bit much to drive especially as we're heading into winter (and neither of us really has the money for the jaunt).
And sometimes? I just hide, like I've been doing lately. Silly, silly girl. But tomorrow, my mum and my sister will be here, and they trump girlfriends any day. And I am very thankful for them.

Asneeze, father of Achou

2009-11-11T22:29:00.000-08:00

I think I have the most ridiculous sneezes known to mankind. With every semester, every new class, every new person I meet, this leads into endless merriment on their part. I've had one person compare me to his sister's cat, others have said I sound like a mouse.
Others still have suggested that instead of the 3-10 little sneezes I just "let it out" with one big one. If only! Even first thing in the morning, sometimes I have great big sneezes, but they're still appearing in multiples. I think the record is something like 25. It left me more than a little dizzy.
On the plus side, it garners me a whole lot of "Bless you!"s! Some people feel the need to bless me after each individual sneeze. My friend Hyun (whom I got to hang out with tonight for the first time in eons, he and Russell, for practice for the concert, which was fun!) tends to count on his fingers while laughing at me.
I sneezed in class yesterday, several "sets", enough to have me wondering if there was something in the air! I was sitting in the back row (I often do, so my laptop doesn't distract others) and of course every head turned around to look at me. Apparently, my sneezes are a spectator sport. Oh well, glad I could amuse, I guess!
Today, I shall be grateful for the silly movie that gave me the title for this entry. 10 points to the person who first guesses what it is! I need to watch it again soon :)

Home

2009-11-10T17:07:00.001-08:00

I spent a bit of time at the church today practicing for the upcoming concert. Mike (music pastor) gave me a quick tutorial on the keyboard I'll be using, and I scrolled through sounds deciding which would work for my songs and whatnot. There was one called "Meet Thy Doom" which I wanted to use simple on principle of its awesome name, but it didn't quite suit my style ;)
After more than an hour of plugging away at the keyboard with the headphones on, I moved over to the piano, and it just felt so much more...right. Don't get me wrong, it's a great keyboard - donated to the church by a member who upgraded to an even better one haha - weighted and well-made and the sounds are good...but it's just not the same!! For me, to sit down behind a real piano (especially the beautiful grand at the church) feels a little like coming home. Also, as I mentioned to Mike: it's a whole lot easier to hide behind a piano. ;)
I'm thankful today that I got a chance to play, and to remember how much I love it!

Sabbath

2009-11-09T07:12:00.000-08:00

After missing posting yesterday, I've decided that each week I'll be taking a Sabbath rest from NaBloPoMo, to keep myself from going completely nutso ;) Yes, I am making that decision retroactively. What's it to ya? heh.
As you can see in the picture, I'm quite enjoying a lovely cup of tea (with puffy eyes and bed head! and nostrils!), courtesy of my dear littlest sister. She works in a tea shop and gives little bags of tea once in a while, and it's a very nice treat. This morning it's a classic cream Earl Grey. Delicious!
Yesterday at church I got to see my other little sister, who's up visiting friends, and got a much-needed sister hug. There's nothing like it!!
This coming week is likely to be a bit of a gong show, with school demands and praying desperately that the album will arrive in time for the release celebration on Sunday, rehearsing and trying to do something in the vein of decor and ambiance and arranging for there to be some munchies for people (I'd at first thought I'd do all the baking myself, but quickly realized that's just a bit crazy, with everything else I have on my plate!)
Seeing Bev this Sunday helped remind me of the things that are really important though. I'll have a good chunk of my family around, and friends and others who care about me to help celebrate this milestone. And it's gonna be good!
I am blessed and thankful for the opportunity - and the command! - God has given us to take a Sabbath, to rest and regain perspective.

The Pit

2009-11-07T04:10:00.001-08:00

It's so peculiar, I think, that I can work myself into such deeply woven thought spirals that I find it difficult to crawl back out again. I unwillingly play "bad tapes", as cognitive behavioural therapists would say. I slowly get better and better at ignoring the thoughts, at not letting them direct my actions, and not giving in. It would be preferable, to never get into that hole in the first place.
I have an image of that hole in my head, and if I had the skill to draw it, I know precisely what it would look like. It's like a well, deep and dark, cold and damp. The stones are slick and offer no purchase, no way to claw myself out of the despair.
Instead, I need something to stand on, a foundation to build my way out. From Psalm 139:

⁷ Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

⁸ If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

⁹ If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,

¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

If I make my bed in the depths, You are there. Even in the veriest pit of despair, God will not desert me. From Psalm 69:

¹⁴ Rescue me from the mire,
do not let me sink;
deliver me from those who hate me,
from the deep waters.

¹⁵ Do not let the floodwaters engulf me
or the depths swallow me up
or the pit close its mouth over me.

¹⁶ Answer me, O LORD, out of the goodness of your love;
in your great mercy turn to me.

¹⁷ Do not hide your face from your servant;
answer me quickly, for I am in trouble.

I've often wondered if King David suffered from a major depression or even bipolar disorder, because from what he wrote, I think he would understand. Even if David couldn't fathom how much this hurts sometimes, I must remember that Christ does, and that even when I feel crushingly lonely, I am never alone.

S-m-r-t

2009-11-06T18:58:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was, of course, the fifth of November. When a classmate walked into our seminar, she wished me a happy Guy Fawkes Day (and I admitted that I only really knew about it from V for Vendetta) which prompted me to research something that was only a vague recollection. You know the little rhyme?

Remember, remember the Fifth of November,

The Gunpowder Treason and Plot,

I know of no reason

Why the Gunpowder Treason

Should ever be forgot.

About ten minutes later, she asked me the date - and I couldn't answer her. I checked my cel phone, then did a major *facepalm*, smacking my forehead. Even with a helpful rhyme, we were just a little forgetful.

(Slightly More) Readable Version

2009-11-05T17:45:00.001-08:00

Beth at So The Fish Said wanting to see our handwriting. And I'm always up for anything that will help me fulfill the post quote for NaBloPoMo!

Directions

2009-11-04T22:58:00.001-08:00

W
Originally uploaded by muirnait

In May, I don't really know where I'm going to go. I'm hoping to be done my degree. I'm trying so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. My concert is coming up in a week and a half and I'm not feeling ready at all! I've also kept busy putting up the website and making the song clips for the discography page (finding free software, ripping my master copy, learning how to use the software, fade in, fade out...having the computer crash every time it accidentally became unplugged - a lot of words I shouldn't say and shouts of frustration!) My friend Emily did a fantastic job on the artwork, but had to step back before it was 100% of school commitments, so I had to learn how to use Adobe Illustrator very, very quickly! Thank goodness for Adobe's free 30 day trials :)
The next couple weeks will involve even more concert prep, trying to get people to come out! Also, those of you are so inclined, please pray that the physical production of the CDs goes off without any hitches and gets here in time!!
I'll be working to keep on top of school, which can be very demanding, of course. My house reflects the craziness in my life! But I've got to keep slogging on, meeting my big goals!
After May, I'll head to the Island for a while, unless some brilliant job pops up here. Hopefully there will be something good there! I'm praying to find something related to the mental health field to improve my chances of getting into grad school, for a Masters in Psychology to work with children and youth in mental health counseling. It just seems so ridiculously far away...gotta remind myself to keep on going in the right direction!

PS - today, I am thankful for flickr and all the friends to whom it introduced me!

GLEE!

2009-11-03T23:56:00.001-08:00

GLEE!
Originally uploaded by muirnait

I'd like to take a minute expound upon my love of the TV show Glee! How could I not enjoy a silly drama-filled cheesy musical with classic showtunes and crazy mash-ups and an epic amount of sing-along-ableness. (Yes, I made up a word. Deal.)
I burned a CD of the soundtrack this morning and was absolutely cranking it in my car - and leaving a voicemail for my baby sister with the show's cover of Journey's "Don't Stop Believing" and the message, "Journey fixes everything!"
Also, a few of the songs feature the awesome, adorable and brilliant Kristen Chenoweth whom I totally fell in love with back in her days on the West Wing: she was just so spunky! Her version of Carrie Underwood's "Last Name" is just a heck of a lot of fun.
Having that CD to sing along to in my car this morning was totally the highlight of my day, and so today, that's what I'm thankful for! The show's title is just incredibly apropos: it makes me feel totally gleeful!

No, Really

2009-11-02T20:48:00.000-08:00

So it occurred to me tonight, as I threw a handy sweater over my cold toes, that socks are like, sweaters for your feet. Foot sweaters! And how awesome is that?

(No, I am not under the influence of any mind-altering substances. Other than the usual ones prescribed by my doctor, that is.)
Search and rescue dogs are really amazing. Whoever first thought of training them to do that is genius. I hope they got some sort of award.
I've been told that I'm incredibly random. I thought I'd use some bullet points to underscore that fact. They just suit the direction of my head.
One of the reasons I wanted to pick up on blogging again was to stretch my writing "muscles"...but bullet points don't help with that much. Oops.
Today, I'm thankful ... that my cat is so cute. Silly, I know, but she makes me smile, and I have actually said (out loud) in the last 24 hours, "Kitten, I am so glad you came to live with me."

It's that time again!

2009-11-01T16:38:00.000-08:00

Ladies and gents, November is known as National Blog Posting Month, aka NaBloPoMo - wherein bloggers are challenged to post daily for the month. I might be just crazy enough to try it. I'm going to have a lot going on this month, with the release of my upcoming album, the concert celebrating it, midterms, my birthday, and just a whole lot of life in general, November's going to be a pretty crazy month.
I've definitely been slacking off on blogging in the last year or so, but I figure blogging through this month will either help keep me grounded, or drive me completely nutso. Let's wait and see which, eh?
Something else I'll shoot for, along with blogging every day in November, inspired partly by Jen's doing Schmutzie's "Grace in Small Things" and I'm not gonna be quite as ambitious, but I'll be trying to name at least one thing every day for which I'm thankful. Today, I choose this: I am thankful for days full of sunshine that make the coming winter seem a little bit brighter.
And that's NaBloPoMo, day one!

On Music

2009-08-04T13:09:00.000-07:00

Beth recently posted on her dread of the question, "What kind of music do you like?" I too find it a bit difficult to answer, largely because my tastes are so broad.
I love songs that SAY something, songs with a story, songs that move me and make me care. I love songs that say something I've been longing to say but have been unable to put into words, regardless of genre.
I love songs that draw you in, or make you laugh, or cry, or think about something in a whole new way. I like songs that will twist an old cliché into something new. I find the best songs are the ones I wish I could have written, or that I relate to so well that I feel like I could have written.
I like singer/songwriter stuff, acoustic, I love classical, once in a while I'm in the mood for metal, or even the occasional rap song. (Granted, the latter is extremely rare.) I love jazz, I like country, even though some people like to mock me for that :P
Really, I like a little bit of everything, if it's done well. What about you?

Percolating

2009-07-28T02:48:00.001-07:00

I have something to say, but it hasn't quite set itself right in my head yet. Mostly I'm posting as a reminder to myself and a commitment to follow through on this in a bit.
And that is all. :)

20 Questions

2009-06-28T23:05:00.000-07:00

It's a meme! My brother-in-law did this one, and I hadn't blogged in AGES so yeah, I did this, with Russell and Emily (my friend Emily, not my sister Emily) who are sitting in my living room with me. We're playing catch with a scarf stuffed into a glove. And they humoured me. So here ya go.

1. She is sitting in front of the TV. What is on the screen?

Emily: "I'm gonna go with Phantom of the Opera"
Russell: "That president show that I can't remember...what's it called, oh yeah, The West Wing?"
(Both good answers - but Russell's right, I've been watching Season One of The West Wing lately.)

2. You’re out to eat; what kind of dressing does she get on her salad?

Emily: "Depends on what kind of salad she's getting."
Russell: "I have no idea."
(Yeah, I often get the house salad with whatever dressing it comes with. For green salad, I'll usually get ranch.)

3. What’s one food she doesn’t like?

Emily: "Calamari"
Russell: "Squid." (I went "ugh" when he said this - so true!)

4. You go out to eat and have a drink. What does she order?

Emily: "Martini" (cosmo or girly-type mixed one, she qualified -yup!)
Russell: "White wine" (yup.)

5. Where did she go to high school?

Emily: "The Christian school." (yup!)
Russell: "I didn't know you then!"

6. What size shoe does she wear?

Emily: "A wonderful and stylish sized shoe?"
Russell: "10...men's or women's...both?" (10 men's, 12 women's.)

7. If she was to collect anything, what would it be?

Emily: "Either friends or horses."
Russell: "Collect horses...that sounds expensive. Umm...gloves? Movies? Febreeze? Teddybears?" (He's looking around my shelves haha!)

8. What is her favourite type of sandwich?

Emiy: "Panini from Safeway." (turkey and havarti...mmm) When I said it was from Earl's, she got it right - the chicken and baked brie ciabatta.
Russell: "..."

9. What would this person eat every day if she could?
Emily: Risotto
Russell: Ice cream
(Comfort food anyone? heh.)

10. What is her favourite cereal?

Emily: Cheerios! (She said this very cheerfully.)
Russell: Lucky Charms.
(Both true - Cheerios is my regular cereal and Lucky Charms are a rare guilty pleasure)

11. What would she never wear?

Emily: "A muumuu."
Russell: "A tuxedo"
(Haha yeah.)

12. What is her favorite sports team?

Emily: "The Canucks"
Russell: "OBviously!"
(The only one I like)

13. Who did she vote for?

Emily: "NDP"
Russell: "Green party"

(In the federal election, I actually voted liberal)

14. Who is her best friend?

Emily: "Julio Iglesias." (She might have been attacked by a fit of the giggles) "I'd like to think I'm a pretty good friend?" (Tis true. Tis her!)
Russell: "Your mom" (He said this in the joke voice, but yeah, Mum is also definitely one of my best friends!)

15. What is something you do that she wishes you wouldn’t do?

Emily: "Like, shirking on comments" (as in demurring compliments - drives me nuts! haha!)
Russell: "You probably wish I didn't say nothing so much." (Sometimes words have to be pried out of him with a crowbar!)

Added: I asked, what do *I* do that you wish I wouldn't?

Russell: LISTEN TO COUNTRY!!"
Emily: "I wish you weren't sad and that you had sunny things to talk about."

16. What is her heritage?

Emily: "Scottish, English..."
Russell: "Are you English, by chance?"
(Both correct, and said with accents haha!)

17. You bake her a cake for her birthday; what kind of cake?

Emily: "Probably a black forest cheesecake" (whoa. awesome!)
Russell: "*I* bake *you* a cake? That's a scary thought. Probably a pre-made mix, and I'd get my mom to help. Chocolate?"

18. Did she play sports in high school?

Russell: "You played volleyball, I think."
Emily: "I'm gonna agree with Russell."

(In later elementary school, yes. By the time I hit high school I'd already been convinced that I wasn't the right "type" for any of that.)

19. What could she spend hours doing?

Emily: "Riding horses, taking pictures, eating good food and singing." (I think I'd be really full haha!)
Russell: "You could spend hours of Facebook, because I've seen you!" (Hey, that means you're on too! :P )
(I was really surprised that neither of them said reading, but these are all good!)

20. What is one unique talent she has?

Emily: "You have the biggest and most loving heart. It's cheesy but it's true." (Not really a talent, but I'll take it heh.)
Russell: "Songwriting." True enough :)

Losing It

2009-04-04T22:11:00.000-07:00

Need a refresher of vision. Need a brain trade-in. Remember why I'm doing this...remember that I *can* do this. End-of-semester meltdown...pretty common.
Three papers, one week. (Well, five days, at this point.)
Not enough brain left for coherent sentences, apparently. At least need to get a decent outline done tonight before sleeping or reading anything fun.
Blah! I thought getting out of town last weekend would help with this, but oddly enough I still have all the problems I left behind. Not that I even have that many problems right now - just assignments :P
Ahh, I can do it. Just gotta keep my nose to the grindstone and all that crap heh. Back to it!

The Beast

2009-03-16T07:49:00.000-07:00

I had to fire up my old computer today to work on some Windows-based programs for school that I couldn't do on my pretty little MacBook. I had put all the info in using Open Office (yay freeware!) but wanted to use Power Point for all the transitions and such to make sure they'd all go smoothly on the computer at school.
It really amused me to fire this thing up (I'm using it to write this blog post) because, I kid you not, the boot up sounds just like an airplane taking off. And as long as we're using transportation metaphors, let me also say it's really more of a boat anchor than anything else ;0) I shouldn't complain of course, I think it's still faster than Grampy's old machine!
And that's the thing...the important part. I really am grateful. God willing, if I keep on track I will graduate next May. It's been damn hard, and there's struggles still to come, I know, but there's that light at the end of the tunnel and I'm beginning to hope it isn't an oncoming freight train.

What Dreams May Come

2009-02-15T02:01:00.000-08:00

I'm having trouble sleeping tonight. I think I'm avoiding it on some level, because I keep having the same nightmare. At least, I think it's the same one. I wake up remembering only that someone is mad at me. I know who it is; I dream that this person's mad at me all the time. I've even dreamt that they physically attacked me - and the virulent hatred expressed therein woke me up feeling stained and distressed.
I wish I knew why I keep having dreams along these lines. I hate them! It's so disturbing. This person isn't really even part of my life anymore, and the dreams don't seem to be tied to the rare occasions when I see them.
I read about all sorts of possible interpretations of dreams in my textbooks. God only knows what Freud would say. (I hate most of his theories, but maybe that's just transference, or projection, or whatever the heck it would be. I should know. It may well be on my next midterm.) I've done everything I can to resolve any conflict that might have been in that relationship. I guess I don't feel like there's any closure? But I don't know how to obtain that. I don't know what else to think, to pray. I don't know what to do that I haven't done. Maybe this bit of catharsis will help. Maybe I can get a whole four hours of sleep before it's time to get up again. Maybe I'll sleep so badly, I won't hit REM and won't have to worry about bad dreams ;-)

It's aliiiive...

2009-02-03T18:20:00.000-08:00

Oh, hi guys. I haven't had anything to write about that wasn't depressing as all get out, so things have been a little quiet around here. So, I'm stealing a couple questions away from a BlogFriend named Beth and am going to answer those so you have something to read ;)

1. Remember the movie Brewster's Millions? That happens to you, except on a smaller scale. You receive a million dollars that you must spend in 30 days. However, you cannot have any assets to show for the money at the end of the month (and you can't buy something and then destroy it), you cannot waste the money, you cannot give it away, and you cannot tell anyone what you are doing. How do you ditch the dough in a month or less?
Travel, travel, and travel some more! Beignets and jazz in New Orleans and and jaunt to Paris, to London, Africa, Brazil, Ireland, Scotland, Japan, back to France for some beach time in the south...I'd probably run out of money pretty quickly actually!

2. You are locked in a toy store overnight, with no way out until it reopens in the morning. What do you play with all night?
Remote control helicopters and giant floor pianos, music boxes and karaoke machines...oh are there go-karts? Cuz I'm all over that ;-)

3. If you could have a dinner party with any three famous people, living or dead, you would be wasting your supernatural powers on hosting dinner parties. What would you do instead?
Solve world hunger (and thirst) and AIDS and cancer...duh :P If it's still keeping the people...Jesus, Obama, aaand...umm... da Vinci.

4. What's the best thing since sliced bread? Now, sliced bread ain't all that impressive, so what's the best mediocre, hum-drum improvement or advancement that has made modern life just ever so slightly more convenient for humanity, along the lines of saving yourself five seconds every time you want a piece of bread.
I like my microwave :P

5. What's your best quality? The response to this question must be a simple declarative statement. You may elaborate on that statement, provided that your elaboration does not include the words "but," "however," or "although," or any other hedging, equivocating, back-sliding, gerrymandering (which is not at all appropriate in this context, but I think it should be, don't you?) or any other type of backing down from the simple declarative statement with which you began your response.
I am seriously, fiercely loyal, and I like that about me :)

Peter and Wendy

2008-11-25T07:57:00.000-08:00

I think I might really love this book. When trying to get some homework done at Granny and Grampy's earlier this month, I searched out one of their copies and then Grampy and I had a bit of fun finding out just how much an early 1911 edition would be worth. (Answer: Wow.)
I read it to Granny in the hospital, and we both enjoyed that, I think. (Though I felt a bit self-conscious reading the passages about the "redskins" with one of Granny's fellow patients being a native man!)
Anyway, just now going through it for school again and trying to write an essay on the male and female roles throughout (Answer: men are big babies and women their mothers.) I was reading over movie quotes from Finding Neverland (which I loved before I'd read the book) and found this line:

Porthos dreams of being a bear, and you want to shatter those dreams by saying he's *just* a dog? What a horrible candle-snuffing word. That's like saying, "He can't climb that mountain, he's just a man", or "That's not a diamond, it's just a rock." Just.

It made me smile. And even more so, what I found in the front of my marked-up version of the tale that I'm using for references and the like:

In 1929 J.M. Barrie donated all rights in peter Pan to Great Ormond Street Children's Hospital. In 1987, fifty years after Barrie's death, copyright expired under UK law. However, the following year a unique Act of Parliament restored royalty income from all versions of Peter Pan to the Hospital, which means that the very sick children there will continue to benefit from J. M. Barrie's generous gift for as long as the hospital exists.

If only for that, I would love this book - for what it inspires in our hearts and imaginations. After all, all it takes is hope and trust, and a little bit of pixie dust!

Copycat for Content

2008-11-23T17:31:00.000-08:00

Music Game

Step 1: Put your music player on random.
Step 2: Post the first line from the first 25 songs that play, no matter how embarrassing the song. (remember to write down the name of the song for yourself before you move to the next one!)
Step 3: Post and let everyone you know guess what song and artist the lines come from.
Step 4: Strike out the songs when someone guesses correctly (No lyric hunting! That is cheating!)

1. So there goes my life, passing by with every exit sign...
2. ~~Nighttime sharpens, heightens each sensation...~~ Phantom of the Opera - Music of the Night (Robyn, I am so glad I don't have to disown you lol!)
3. The other day, I got in a fight...
4. Hello, I've waited here for you
5. If you want a lover, I'll do anything you ask me to...
6. As he came into the window, it was the sound of a crescendo...
7. What good is the scheming, the planning and dreaming...
8. ~~There are times when I look above and beyond...~~ Janet Jackson - Together Again (Nice job, Robyn!)
9. ~~I'm dreaming of a white Christmas... (Durrr)~~ The classic - Bing Crosby - White Christmas
10. I don't buy the lines in magazines that tell me what I've gotta be...
11. ~~This one's for all you girls about thirteen...~~ Martina McBride - This One's for the Girls
12. Must have thought I was so strong...
13. Why do we do the things we do, how can we sing...
14. ~~Opened my eyes this morning with a smile on my face...~~ Rascal Flatts - Breakaway
15. Kiss me with the kisses of your mouth...
16. One step closer to the sea wall...
17. ~~When the train rolls by, I'm gonna be ready this time...~~ Dixie Chicks - Ready to Run
18. Panis angelicus fit panis hominum...
19. Everybody took everything that they could and they made a little town...
20. ~~Sometimes it's a pair of old faded denim I know...~~ Sugarland - Wishing (Good job, Terry! I love this song...and the whole album basically!)
21. ~~There's a ship out on the ocean, at the mercy of the sea...~~ Garth Brooks - When You Come Back to Me Again
22. Every sun and moon and star, all declaring who You are...
23. ~~If shame had a face, I think it would kind of look like mine...~~ Good job Constance!
24. ~~Billy Ray was a preacher's son...~~ Son of a Preacher Man - I'll give credit to Tesa and Constance, but the version I have is actually Etta James!
25. Every day is a journal page, every man holds a quill and ink...

Have at 'er! :)

Ch-ch-change

2008-11-15T22:59:00.000-08:00

Okay, so the whole "pink for October" thing kinda went on two weeks longer than I'd intended, but oh well ;)
This new design is mostly Blogger, but also thanks go to the people at www.myspaceoryours.net who made this lovely graphic initially for a MySpace layout (and Taylor Swift uses it! Oooh! I just bought her album and I love it so far!) and then I "stole" it (It's a free background!) and adjusted it for my own needs.
I like it :) What do you think?

Five

2008-10-27T15:54:00.001-07:00

I just read an entry from The Pioneer Woman where she asked her readers to describe themselves with five adjectives...and these were mine.

Afraid
Alone
Shaking
Depressed
But somehow still hopeful

Except I lied a little bit on the lats one because I didn't want to be a TOTAL downer. I'm sure I'll be hopeful again at some point in the future, though.
I had an appointment with the psychiatrist today, but we got the times mixed up, I guess, and so I was there what *I* thought was on time, but what I was told was 15 minutes late. I was informed that the doctor was "unable to see [me] because she needs the full hour" (or 50 minutes, really.) The receptionist said they weren't booking any appointments now, that the schedule is full until after January.
I walked out of the office, and that's when the shaking started. I got to my car, and tears started running down my face, and I started hyperventilating.
I don't really know why this upset me so much...why I let it? But I feel terrifyingly fragile.

File Under: Things that Amuse Me

2008-10-23T22:18:00.001-07:00

toothpastefordinner.com

2008-10-18T21:02:00.001-07:00

I wonder why alone feels so much lonelier on weekends than any other night?

No Brilliant Ideas Here!

2008-10-07T17:35:00.000-07:00

Well, really, I'm just posting because I can't think of anything better to do at this precise moment in time! I've already baked the cake and made the pudding for the trifle I'm taking to Young Adults tomorrow night, as well as made up the spinach dip that I'm going to put in a sourdough bread bowl. My life is nothing but excitement, I tell you!
I'm also blogging so that I don't fall asleep. You see, I have class in 53 minutes, and it would be rather uncool to pass out before that happens!
I did dishes today too, so all my cooking and baking mess isn't overtaking the kitchen. Now that I mention the kitchen, though, my tummy is telling me I had better eat something before class! It was rather loud, and vocal, actually!
I went around to three different stores today before I actually found what I wanted, which was quite irritating! Nonetheless, I found what I needed and the walking certainly didn't hurt me any. (Not that I was walking between stores, just within them.)
(I have a friend from school who has been walking everywhere for the last month and she's lost 13 pounds. She's very happy with herself. I'm rather astounded at her energy - to do the 5km down and up the hill to the University, sometimes twice a day. I could do the downhill maybe but the uphill? HA!)
I was on the radio today! Only for a silly contest, but it would be a pretty nifty contest if I were to win! The object was to a) be the first caller through (I was!) and b) to sing along to a song by The Wilkinsons - as an audition/get your name in the draw for the contest. I kept hearing the radio cutting out, and such nonsense, so missed a bit on the singing, but it was apparently not so off-key as to rule me out of the contest, and here's the cool part: apparently there are only 20 or so people in the draw bucket, and if you win, you get a chance to have Sunday brunch with the band, and perhaps even sing backup on one song for their concert. I think that would be wicked cool! So, I really hope I win :) Better odds than the lottery anyway ;)
Anyhow, 45 minutes to class time, so I'd better put something in this belly of mine. Catch ya'll later! (And Mum and Grampy, I shall see you Thursday! Yay!)

Oooh Pink!

2008-10-02T05:24:00.000-07:00

Well, plenty of sites do it, and I couldn't sleep anyway :P So here I am, Pink for the Cure! And you can even see my severely limited graphic design skills! Woo!
If you're Canadian, check out the link on the right for the Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation, or if you're from those scary United States, take a gander over at the page of the Susan G. Komen foundation!
No one should have to lose a loved one to cancer. Guys, let me tell you, if you haven't been there already, even if you're not close, it just sucks.
My last memory of my Auntie Carol is her angrily slapping my hand down because I was tapping my fingers on the table in an irritating way. I would've been around 12, I think.
I wish we'd had time to make more memories - and more opportunities to make good ones.
Cancer should not be stealing away so many of our loved ones. We need to find a cure - yesterday. We need to raise awareness, and we need to raise money. Do what you can.
Peace.

Happy Thoughts Never Come at 3a.m.

2008-09-09T03:30:00.001-07:00

One week in and already I'm questioning myself about school. I have my first class (again, because I didn't finish it last year) for statistics tomorrow (since we started last week on Wednesday), and reading the textbook is only serving to remind me that stats make me want to shoot myself.
I still have two long-overdue essays from last semester. I've emailed one prof asking if he'd possibly still accept it and am waiting on a reply, and the other prof said he would, but told me the best I could possibly do in the course was a D. I should be grateful that he'll still grade it at all, and I am, but I'm feeling terribly discouraged as well.
That same prof, in the lecture for our first clinical psych class tonight (or last night, I guess...) was talking about the rigors of grad school, and the minimum 3.7GPA you need to get in, along with perfect GRE scores and research experience. Even as he talked about the work he was doing at the correctional center and the consulting and so much of what sounded fascinating and exciting to me, the hopelessness of ever getting there was reverberating in my mind.
I'm trying to remind myself that taking stats again is a blessing - an opportunity to correct the mistakes I made last time; that I'm blessed that Reid will accept the paper at all - a D is better than a Did Not Complete, which holds the same GPA value as an F.
But then I wonder if I should just scrap the whole thing - while I still can, and get (most) of the money back and give it back to the student loan bureau. Should I tackle the whole thing again in a few years as a "mature student"? Would I, could I be stronger? I wonder if I should run away to the Island and spend time with my grandparents while they're still around. Should I retreat to my mommy and let her help me get healthy - lose the weight that is more like a millstone around my neck than a number on a scale. I'm 24 years old - an adult, by any standard, and I should be able to keep my own act together. (There were many swear words omitted from that last sentence. I just wanted you to know.)
I know that a lot of this is my depression talking - and if it's not that it may just be the voice of the devil himself. ˆI'm stupid. I'll never succeed. I'm ugly inside and out. Worthless. Damn it, I know they're lies! But they're insidious ones, and the ones that roll around in my head at now 4am on a sleepless night, because rainbows and unicorns don't feature in the dark watches of the night.

Still Not Dead!

2008-08-28T03:13:00.001-07:00

Oh, hi there, blogland. I would like to take this moment in time to assure you that I am in fact, not dead. Nor am I asleep, which is a pity.
So, let's see...life rather carries on whether you're ready for it or not. I can't believe classes start again in less than a week! Oy! I don't feel even remotely ready. A big part of me wants to run away, except I don't know where to!
Restless and weird, that's me!
I can hear my landlord getting up for work now It's a little frightening how many times I've heard him upstairs, since he gets up at 5.
I'm not really awake enough to write anything clever (as though I can when I'm awake!) but I just wanted to say hi. So, hi. Hope life's going swimmingly for any of you who are reading this. Until next time.

2008-07-20T21:44:00.000-07:00

Nothing to say, really, but if a picture's worth a thousand words, then I'm about to blow your mind ;) Here are some of my favourite shots from the last month.

Seven Deadly Sins Meme

2008-06-26T19:44:00.000-07:00

WRATH

1. Who did you last get angry with?
I'm taking it as a good sign that I'm having a hard time remembering...

2. What is your weapon of choice?
Broadsword

3. Would you hit a member of the opposite sex?
I teasingly hit guys all the time, and have been told that it hurts. Uh, I fail.

4. How about of the same sex?
I have, and wish I hadn't.

5. Who was the last person who got really angry at you?
Probably one of my sisters, though I don't know who or for what!

6. What is your pet peeve?
Idiot drivers. Not that I never am one :P

7. Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily?
Keep them, more than I'd like. I work at letting them go, but it's hard for me!

SLOTH

1. What is one thing you're supposed to do daily that you don't?
Clean house.

2. What is the latest you've ever woken up?
7pm, after not getting to sleep til 10am.

4. What is the last lame excuse you made?
"I'm tired."

5. Have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through?
Magic bullet, so many times.

6. When was the last time you got in a good workout?
A month-ish ago, Karey and I went on a pretty hike-y walk heh.

7. How many times did you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock today?
Not at all - way too dangerous especially on the first day of a new job!

GLUTTONY

1. What is your overpriced yuppie beverage of choice?
Cosmo.

2. Meat eaters: white meat or dark meat??
Either, depending on my mood! I usually eat chicken but once in a while I get like, "STEAK. NOW!"

3. What is the greatest amount of alcohol you've had in one sitting/outing/event?
Four drinks? Five? Something like that.

4. Have you ever used a professional diet company?
Yeah, failed miserably.

5. Do you have an issue with your weight?
Yes.

6. Do you prefer sweets, salty foods, or spicy?
All of those, and carbs, delicious carbs.

7. Have you ever looked at a small house pet or child and thought "lunch"?
Ha! No.

LUST

1. How many people have you seen naked (not counting movies/family):
Do shameless old ladies at the Y count? :P

2. How many people have seen YOU naked (not counting physicians/family):
None. (Lucky for them :P)

3. Have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a member of the opposite gender during a normal conversation?
Uh, yes. Sorry about that.

4. Have you ever kissed two people in one night?
Nope.

5. What is your favorite body part on a person of your gender of choice?
Just one? Forearms, shoulders, hips...mmm men. :P

6. Have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute?
No.

GREED

1. How many credit cards do you own?
Two.

2. What's your guilty pleasure store?
Somewhere with ice cream (I think this fits in the gluttony category :P)

3. Would you rather be rich, or famous?
Rich...fame costs too much!

4. Would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make megabucks?
That'd probably depend how time-consuming it was and if I could have fun in the off-time!

5. Have you ever stolen anything?
Long ago...the pop machine at the fire station was on the honour system, and my 11 year old self apparently had no honour.

6. How many MP3s are on your hard drive?
3000ish...but some of them are paid for :P

PRIDE

1. What's one thing you have done that you're most proud of?
Put on a concert.

2. What one thing have you done that your parents are most proud of?
Dragging my butt slowly and tortuously through University.

3. What things would you like to accomplish in your life?
So many - but mostly to love and be loved.

4. Do you get annoyed by coming in second place?
Depends for what! I know my strengths and my weaknesses, and am okay with both!

5. Have you ever entered a contest of skill, knowing you were of much higher skill than all the other competitors?
No...no skills ;-)

6. Have you ever cheated on something to get a higher score?
Nope.

7. What did you do today that you're proud of?
Started a new job!

ENVY

1. What item (or person) of your friends would you most want to have for your own?
I'd like to own a house.

2. Who would you want to go on "Trading Spaces" with?
One of my sisters, most likely!

3. If you could be anyone else in the world, who would you be?
For a day, maybe Angelina Jolie, for forever, just me!

4. Have you ever been cheated on?
No, hard when you've never been in a relationship!

5. Have you ever wished you had a physical feature different from your own?
Body shape/size, yes, features, not that much!

6. What inborn trait do you see in others that you wish you had for yourself?
Drive.

I win! Updates...

2008-06-20T12:28:00.000-07:00

I've finished my "summer" class and ended up with an A. That ought to help boost my poor beleaguered GPA ;-)
I had a job interview this morning. I think it went well? But then I'm also a pretty horrid judge of these things, so we'll see. They said they'd let me know either way by Wednesday. Fingers crossed!
I am still not done my essays. This makes me want to punt myself in the head. What I need it to make me want to do, is DO THE ESSAYS. Argh. I have ten more days on my self-imposed deadline. Dangit, I can do this!
Have been walking with Dear Karey a few times but we both want to go more so we feel a little less like slugs :P
Had a healthy lunch today- happy with myself.
Going to take a little rest before work.
Looking forward to tonight but I can't tell you why just yet, just in case!
More later.
Ciao

June

2008-06-02T01:41:00.000-07:00

Well, I can't sleep (surprise) but it's too late to take a sleeping pill, since I have to get up in 6 hours and a pill has the potential to knock me out for about 12 - if it works. So instead I'm going to assign myself the fascinating task of filling out my student loan application. Isn't that special. I also want to outline a few goals for myself for the month of June - and add some accountability by posting them here!

June Goals

Walk at least three times a week
Don't eat out so much!
Invite someone to dinner at least twice
Finish outstanding essays
Attend all remaining computing classes (barring extreme circumstances)
Recycle, recycle, recycle (We have curbside recycling now, so I have absolutely no excuse.)
Extend to myself the same grace I would to others
Kick my own butt when necessary

Crazy Eights, for Tesa and Tiz

2008-05-30T02:02:00.000-07:00

EIGHT THINGS FOR WHICH I HAVE PASSION:

God. Saviour, Healer, best friend, I Am. He is everything to me, truly. God is the reason I sing, the reason I write, and most importantly, the reason I somehow manage to drag my sorry butt out of bed in the mornings.
Family. My sisters and I are so incredibly different but I wouldn't trade what we have for anything in the world. And you got my thoughts on Mum a couple weeks ago. The Gs, Mum's parents...love 'em like crazy. The rest of the fam, well that's more driving me crazy, but hey. ;-)
Songwriting. I've never thought that I was particularly amazing at it, but it's an incredible way to express myself, and say things I could somehow never otherwise articulate.
Music. Though it often converges with the previous item, listening to and playing music is a joy all its own. It's been way too long before I sat at a piano, and I really, really need to remedy that. Melodramatic as it sounds, I don't think my soul is quite right without it.
Horses. It may have been a few years since I had my own, but if the Equine Facilitated Mental Health Workshop a couple weeks ago taught me anything (and it did, ohhh it did!), it reminded me precisely why I love horses. They're beautiful and majestic, but earthy and gentle and compassionate and intuitive, and, well, this sentence could run on forever ;-)
Children. I love kids. There was a sign in the nursery before we started renovating at the church that said, "Babies are such a nice way to start people." I concur! And even though there are definitely the less charming moments, I think overall, children are so amazing with their generosity of love and vivacity!
"My" Kids. The kids I work with at the daycare are an eclectic mix coming from a variety of backgrounds, but I see such amazing potential in all of them. Obviously, they're the coolest kids ever and I'm not the least bit biased :-P
Food. Not always the healthiest passion for me, but I love to cook and to eat! I'll try anything once but I definitely have my favourites. Mostly, I love to invite a friend over and just go totally crazy making them something utterly delicious!

EIGHT THINGS I’D LIKE TO DO BEFORE I DIE:

Spend Christmas in Paris. And if I can manage it, not speak a word of English the entire time. (Could be tricky if I end up having a hubby who's a francophobe, but we'll see haha.)
Write a novel. Even if it sucks, I want to finish one.
Record a CD. (Okay, I'd like to do this before the end of the year. Finish the blasted thing!)
Get my Masters Degree in Counselling Psychology. (Again, not so much the death timeline, let's say more like next 7 years.)
Take a photography class.
Run a marathon or half-marathon. Be fit enough to do so without lions, tigers and bears chasing me.
Go on a sailing trip, at least a long weekend.
Visit every continent.

EIGHT THINGS I SAY A LOT:

"I said no. If you do that again, there will be a consequence." (Huh? I don't work at a daycare, really :P )
"Le Sigh"
"You're so cute. How'd you get so cute? Who'd you bribe?" (To the cat. Ima dork.)
"Walking feet please!"
"Ugh. I need to do dishes."
"I fail at life."
"I win at life!" (not remotely mercurial.)
"I love you."

EIGHT BOOKS I HAVE READ RECENTLY:

Shopgirl - Steve Martin
The Big Bad Wolf Tells All - Donna Kauffman
Gods in Alabama - Joshilyn Jackson (in progress)
Hard to Handle - Lori Foster
The Time Traveler's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger (Also in progress.)
Thigh High - Christina Dodd
Sucker Bet - Erin McCarthy
Bones to Ashes - Kathy Reichs

EIGHT MOVIES I HAVE SEEN EIGHT TIMES:

Sweet Home Alabama - "So I can kiss you anytime I want!"
The Princess Bride - "You keep saying that word. I don't think it means what you think it means."
The Shawshank Redemption - "The funny thing is - on the outside, I was an honest man, straight as an arrow. I had to come to prison to be a crook."
Lord of the Rings - "Fool. No man can kill me." Eowyn removes her helmet, runs the Nazgül through. "I am no man."
The Lion King - "Doesn't matter, it's in the past!" "Yeah, but it still hurts!"
Forrest Gump - "Me and Jenny goes together like peas and carrots."
Monty Python's The Quest for the Holy Grail - "You're not my king! I didn't vote for you!"
Finding Nemo - "This is the Ocean, silly, we're not the only two in here."

EIGHT PEOPLE WHO SHOULD DO THIS MEME:

Whoever
feels
just
that
particular
brand
of
crazy.

Chere Maman

2008-05-11T15:34:00.000-07:00

I often tease my mum that she's the "best mum I've ever had!" I'm a smart ass like that.
But really, she's the best mum I could ever have hoped for. No one in my life comes even close to loving me as much as she does. She's my unfailing champion, and the kicker of my butt. I know she loves me as I am, and that she has high hopes and faith in me. More than anything, she wants me to be happy, and she is one of the greatest contributors to that end. She is an amazing woman.
She's smart; she did some upgrading to her nursing this last year, and got an A+ on her final paper. I was so very proud. She's very good at her job, and it shows in the way patients speak of her. Having a nurse for a mum is a bit of a catch-22 ("I've had patients with their heads shot off who complained less than you!") but terribly handy in 6th grade when you can't bear the idea of anyone else giving you a shot. Last year when I had to go in for surgery, she was there holding my hand, getting me a warm blanket, and though I should be embarrassed to admit it, a teddy bear. (Hey, you lie there about to get your tummy cut open and see how you feel!)
She's beautiful, though I know she doesn't see it. She thinks her hands look old, and I think they're inspiring. Those hands have healed and comforted and soothed countless people, and changed my and my sisters' lives. They are skilled and capable, a testament to those qualities she herself bears.
She's strong and brave, and wise enough to admit when she makes mistakes. She's a faithful friend, standing as a pillar of strength to friends who've lost so much, lately. She's a loyal daughter, and as much as she and Grampy clash, since they're both used to being heads of their own households, she gave up her life here to be closer to them and to care for he and Granny as they get older.
She's courageous in trying new things, taking up both running and kayaking after 50. I was glad to hear the kayak she bought is bright orange, so hopefully no boats will run her over!
She made home a safe place after a time when it felt like it never could be again. She taught me to drive, white knuckled and grim-faced, when we always thought Dad would take care of that. She managed her household well, and fairly, and made me so proud when after digging herself from the financial pit Dad had got us in, she bought her condo and later sold it at a profit. She worked, and works, so hard that we should never go without. She is the best woman I have ever had the privilege to know.
I am honoured to call her my mother, and blessed to call her my friend. I love you, Mum.

Happy Mother's Day!

Just to change things up - FOUR a.m. ramblings...

2008-04-24T03:42:00.000-07:00

To add to the list of most depressing songs: Mad World - Gary Jules (Which, yes, I downloaded because of a Halo commercial. I'm awesome.) "I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad, the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had..." (I've never had a dream in which I was dying. I've had those where loved ones die though and those are *Definitely* not the best.)
I hurt. I forgot to take my pills this morning - again! - and it resulted in withdrawal symptoms that, even though I get them with such regularity due to forgetfulness, I didn't recognize until I finally got home at 11:30 and saw the pill bottle. Migraine, dizziness, nausea, tenseness in every muscle I own...just the usual fun and games.
A couple Advil liquid gels and a sleeping pill....hope they work.
Kitten is cute, soft and loving. It's a very good thing. (Certainly better than a couple hours ago when she was attacking my feet while I tried to sleep.)
I'm gonna try to sleep again. Thank God I don't work til 2:45.

Thoughts at 3am

2008-04-22T03:21:00.000-07:00

He hasn't called me in months. It used to be an annoyance, I guess, but now I find myself wondering why he doesn't try. I called him for his birthday a month ago, and that was the last time we talked.
Before that, it was the awkward Christmas gift exchange, where I wondered just what the gaping disparity in "value" meant, and if I'd done something wrong. How foolish of me, to equate monetary value with what he thinks of me...but I'm sorry, it hurts when my Christmas present still has the tag on in from the dollar store, and I see the other gifts you've given don't.
You think I'd know better by now than to have any expectations of him.
He said he thought I'd changed my number. And not told him? Did he really think I would do that? Is that who I am to him?
Is that who I am?
Why do I let him make me doubt myself? I'm a good person, a loving person. I'm a good friend, a good sister, a good daughter, damn it. I fail and I fall but I truly believe that the love I have for those around me is what really matters.
So why does that love get so mixed up when it comes to him? Why is it so entwined with guilt and regret, and yes, sometimes hate?
In the month since he found out I didn't change my number, he hasn't called. Logically, I know it could very easily have nothing to do with me. He's probably deep into the depressed side of his bipolar disorder. Maybe he doesn't call because he doesn't feel like he has anything to give me. And yes, the times we get together for coffee or lunch are nearly painfully awkward, but like I said, I still want him to try. I still need him to try.
Why?
I guess it's just because he is...or at least was...my dad.

Dead (Tired) Poets' Society

2008-04-16T02:26:00.000-07:00

Still no sign of the sandman
And the ticks of my cheap IKEA alarm clock
Mock my sleeplessness and fray my nerves
The hours 'til its rude awakening grow shorter
As I become more likely to see sunrise
From the wrong side

I'd offer my kingdom for a good night's sleep
If I had anything to offer but a red bottom line
Instead that crimson ink conspires against me
With its compatriots in stress
Those things personal, temporal and academic
Join the clock in my cognitive chorus

The sandman is a fickle bastard
Were you to ask me
More adept at torture than a hundred sadistic --
Curb my thoughts, my words, my temper
Anger only fuels each cigarette butt
Crushed against my skin

So I release the detritus
And strive to be a depressed person
Who thinks happy thoughts
14,000 things and counting
Waiting for internalization
And a covert glimpse at the sandman

Bullets of Depression - As much fun as it sounds!

2008-04-09T21:37:00.000-07:00

When I'm feeling down, I shouldn't listen to music that makes it worse, but I do. (See, Exhibit A: Michael Bublé, Home.)

"May be surrounded by a million people, I still feel all alone...I just want to go home."

I'm cold, I'm tired and I'm stressed and all I want to do is sleep.
Or eat. Preferably pasta. Are there endorphins in pasta? It seems like it :P Why can't salad be comfort food? I need to go back to my childhood and re-pair my associations.
School work? What school work? I'm just trying to make it to the morning.
A bad day/week/month can cause you to take to heart a comment you know you should ignore from someone whose opinion does not even rate.
Friends are amazing, but they can only do so much.
Some nights are really, really long. This is going to be one of them.

Something Positive! Wow!

2008-03-28T00:53:00.000-07:00

So you're probably not supposed to have a favourite professor are you? Is that kind of like having a favourite sibling, or child? Oh well. I do! And here's why:

he is actually practicing right now, though he doesn't have many private clients, he consults for the police and works at the jail.
because he works at the jail he has some awesomely hilarious stories - things I've certainly never heard in my sheltered life!
he has been super understanding about late papers and rewriting exams because of the way I stress out and stuff - when I hadn't slept in three days a couple weeks ago, he let me reschedule the exam.
I got a little flustered leaving class tonight, and left my purse behind, and got the following email:

Hey Heather,

You left your purse in class tonight. I have it in my office (Room#). I won't be in on Friday but I hope somebody in the main office on the second floor might be able to help you by letting you into my office. I have cc this to (Main office person) - (Main office person) would you be able to help with this? If you have any problems call me at (Cel Number.)

----

I realized my purse was missing before I got the email - I got home and turned right around. Thankfully we had ended class early and the building was still open. I managed to snag a security guard and he let me into the classroom - and my stomach pretty much hit the floor when I saw that my purse wasn't where I had been sitting. I was so sure it had to be there; I hadn't been anywhere else and I knew I had it right before class. I thanked the guard and started to head out of the building.
Nearing the door, I saw some lights on down the hall, and I thought to myself, "Hmm, I wonder if Reid's still here." So I walked down the hall, and heard his office chair squeak when I got to his door. I had to restrain a little cheer. I knocked, he invited me in, and I looked at him, saw my purse on his desk and exclaimed, "Oh thank God!"
We chatted for a few minutes about how good it was that I'd managed to catch him, and I thanked him over and over, because I had been totally freaking out! I know I'll be better able to sleep tonight knowing that I have it safe and sound!
I don't know how many profs would go out of their way to notice the purse, whose it was, and attempt contact (he didn't have my phone number) - and then keep it safe in their own office and allow me access, and their cel number! I am very thankful it all worked out :-)
Oh, and for the record, one more reason he rules:

musician.
W00t

Fail

2008-03-27T11:05:00.000-07:00

I came in early to school today to work on an assignment. Look at me, being all industrious!
Oh, except, I suck.
The assignment is due in a little over an hour. When I got here, I was feeling pretty good about it, if a little frantic. So I sat down at the computer and entered the data. I ran the statistical analysis, or at least I thought I did? And got results that made NO sense. So I backtracked, and did it again. Still gibberish.
It's too late to ask the prof for help now; she runs another seminar in 20 minutes. I feel about ten kinds of stupid at the moment, if not more.
I guess now I at least have time to get breakfast. That should help with the headache.
(Whine, whine, whine. Now you know why I'm not blogging much right now.)

Hi

2008-03-20T21:23:00.000-07:00

I'm alive, mostly. Stressed, but not sick anymore. (Yay!) Behind in school, freaking about it. Need to give myself a kick in the butt, and not be so hard on myself, all at the same time. It's a little complex.
Kitten is still cute; she still makes me smile. This is a good thing.
My dishes still seem to accumulate at an unrealistic rate, and I still hate washing them.
I'm still not sleeping for any solid chunks of time at night. It really, really doesn't help.
I need a hug - but I keep isolating myself from all my friends. I'm smart like that.
Only a month left of school, which is reassuring and daunting at the same time. It's almost over - but I have so much to do before it is.
My MasterCard just bumped my limit by $5000. Why? Why do they do that? It's mean. It makes it even more tempting the just leave. Run. Far. The other night I was lying in bed, about 4am, and so tempted to just get in the car and drive - to Washington of all places. (Hi, Tirzah!)
A change is as good as a rest, or something like that? I don't know; I can't have either. Not right now.
Just hang in there, Heather. It's a mantra now. One more month, then one more year. And then maybe I'll take off to some foreign land and teach English. As long as it's somewhere pretty...and maybe warm. I could use a little more sunshine in my life right now.

Summary

2008-03-10T22:20:00.001-07:00

loldogs are funny dog pictures!

Yeah that about covers it right now!
I'm still sick, but need to go back to school and work - especially the latter since we're closed for Spring Break and I won't be getting paid for that. *Groan.* My schedule for tomorrow looks utterly insane - bank appointment, school, appointment, work, study date.
And that is why I am going to bed. Goodnight.

Bad Day

2008-03-05T19:40:00.000-08:00

Sick and tired today. Missed school. Mad at myself. Day saved from total suckage by a couple packages I'd been expecting in the mail. Still, blah.
Must get act together. Overdue essays, again. Assignment for stats. Work tomorrow.
Burnout.
God, I'm exhausted.

2008-03-01T16:32:00.000-08:00

So I seem to have grown some sort of wee attachment! If you haven't already, meet Tink! She's been with me a week now, and I still think she's pretty darn adorable. Sorry I've been so rotten at posting lately. I'm pretty low energy, and what writing I do manage to do is all for silly boring things like school. (Hmph. Who wants to write on 18th century literature anyway?) The next essay due is actually on fairy tales...maybe I should write on Puss in Boots and accompany it with adorable pictures? I have an abundance of those lately ;-) Tink seems to like cuddling up really close wherever I happen to be, and then just purring her little heart out. Probably the cuteness is a defense mechanism for those times when I catch her playing with something she shouldn't - like my camera cord! So, off we go to write an essay. Hope you're all having a wonderful weekend!

2008-02-22T03:26:00.000-08:00

I don't get it. I just don't. It seems that if I go to bed at any reasonable hour, say, before 1:00A.M. then I'm going to wake up just a few hours later and not get back to sleep. This is tremendously lame, just for the record. *grumble*

Smooth Like Butter

2008-02-17T07:24:00.000-08:00

I fell into a snowbank last night. Once it's light I may well take a picture of the dent I made.
I was walking to the car to drive Emily home after a lovely visit this afternoon. Push the button to unlock the car (that's way more fun after it hasn't worked for a while!) Em gets in, and I go to the driver's side, where I cleverly discover a patch of ice, and promptly bit the dust - or the snow, as it were. I was a bit stunned!
I look up to see a man in the back of a cab totally rubbernecking at me. Thank you sir. Drive on.
Em gets out of the car. "Are you okay? I heard a squeak, and then you were gone!" A squeak. I am dignity personified, I tell ya.
I brushed off my butt and my pride and dug my keys out of the snow, then got in to drive Em home. In her driveway, I checked my purse for some reason, and realized that my wallet was not in it. Hm, uncool.
I pulled into my wee parking spot at home, and checked the snowbank for my wallet. Hm, there's the hole from my keys, the not insignificant butt print...but no wallet. My eyes go a bit further, and I see it. In the road. It had come open, and my credit cards and the like were scattered all over the street. I'd been gone about 10 minutes.
I may not be terribly suave - but at least I'm lucky!

Refined

2008-02-08T23:00:00.000-08:00

I somehow doubt I'll ever be quite as at home playing guitar as I am on piano. The guitar is more portable, of course, and more affordable, but right now I miss my piano so much it hurts! The song inside me longs to pour out and get stuck at the end of my uncalloused fingers. It's funny though - I seem to have a go-to song on guitar. It's simple - the key of D (yay!) and just basic, simple picking. I rarely sing along, though I do have some favourite words...

My heart can't see when I only look at me
My soul can't hear when I only think of my own fears
They are gone in a moment
You're forever the same
Why did I look away from You?
How can I speak Your name?

I performed it once, about 7 years ago, I think. But something about this song, the music, the feeling, the utter simplicity of it soothes my heart in a way that's so rare for me on guitar. I only wish you could hear the instrumentation better in this clip, but oh well. Jennifer Knapp - Refine Me.

2008-02-02T22:16:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm just a big ol' crankypants again. I'm sick - and I've only been sick one other time since September, so I shouldn't whine about it, but I was really enjoying being healthy! Now all I want to do is cuddle into my nice warm bed that still can't warm me enough, since I have chills.
I was supposed to go out earlier, and even though I really didn't feel up to it, I got up and showered and dressed and did my makeup, and was on my way out the door when I realized I couldn't find my keys. I looked every logical place I could think of, but they didn't appear.
I took it as a sign. I washed my makeup off and crawled back into bed with a book. Ugh. Did I mention that I hate being sick? (Grump :P) OJ and chicken soup and layers of blankets...I hope I feel better tomorrow.

Random Thought of the Day

2008-01-30T15:03:00.000-08:00

Okay, so you know those auto-feed paper towel dispensers, where pulling one brings out the beginning of the next one? Am I the only one who finds it hysterical that they have an "Emergency Feed"?
What sort of emergency do you figure they had in mind? I'm picturing this drastic scenario - I need paper towel, STAT! Someone is bleeding out on the bathroom floor and I must immediately stanch the wound? The ship is sinking and you have to plug the leaks? You're in battle and must wave a white flag? Suggested by my friend Meghann: You have a hot date and need to pad your bra? (I'm fairly sure I'd never need to use this one...)

On Demand

2008-01-29T23:54:00.000-08:00

So I've been told I'm supposed to write a new entry?! I don't suppose any of you lovely, bossy people would be inclined to give me a topic about which to write? :P
The last ten days, huh? Well, let's see. My little sister was telling me that her life consisted of "Eat, go to class, study and sleep." Well, mine is similar, but a bit more akin to "Eat, class, work, study and don't sleep." Work's going well, though, and school's trucking along. I've actually slept a little better in the last while, and I think a huge reason for that is that it's been sunny! You heard me! Sunny! Woo! It's odd how much of a difference that can make.
Of course, last night I didn't sleep worth (fill in the blank) again, so now I'm wiped. So, goodnight :P Here's your post - sorry it's boring!

Grrrump

2008-01-17T05:40:00.000-08:00

Well, I have to say that I really, really hate that my landlord gets up at 5:15. Because even on the worst nights of insomnia, I'm usually at least getting sort of maybe a little bit close to falling asleep. And then he gets up, and it's bump and bang and this and that, and really it's not all that much noise, because when I *am* sleeping, it's not enough to wake me up. But if I'm awake? Hoo boy is it ever enough to keep me that way. And to make me dang cranky in the process. Hmph.
At least he's almost gone to work now. Time to try again. Man, I miss sleep. I have this vague memory of it being a good thing...

Kids Are Crazy...Crazy Awesome!!

2008-01-15T22:17:00.000-08:00

I mentioned that I started a new job at a daycare, right? Well, it's after-school care, and so the kids have a set amount of homework time, and if they get their homework done, then they can play a game, but it has to be a "brain game" like Battleship or Connect 4 or anything with some minimal amount of strategy.
So, for this time, I was engaged in a Fierce Battle of chess with a seven year old (?ish?) boy. And please forgive me for this, but I was quite happy because I was actually winning. (Over the years I'd nearly entirely forgotten how to play.) But then...oh then. I think I made a stupid move, and he took out one of my queen (oy) with a pawn. And of course he's proud of himself, as well he should be, and he just looks at me and crows - "Pawned!!"
We both dissolved into giggles. It was by far the highlight of my day - and probably my week.
P.S. - Dear Grampy - In internet games and now in colloquial speech, people started saying that they'd "owned" the other player, as in totally annihilated them. Eventually, this became PWNED! which is a whole 'nother story. Trust me, though - it was really funny.

Lyrical Laziness

2008-01-15T06:12:00.000-08:00

If you've ever talked songwriting with me, one of the artists who is most likely to come up is Nichole Nordeman. In fact, I just quoted her song, Sunrise, in my last post. People, she is fantastic. Her latest album is called Brave, and it came after a multi-year hiatus. One of the reviews I read on iTunes before I bought the album (Yay $10 albums!) said that this album has brought a greater maturity in her writing (which was already awesome), and I would have to say that I agree. I would highly recommend it!
This song is called, What If, and reflects quite well what I've said to non-Christian friends who've asked me: what if He's nobody? What if you've "given up so much" (their words) and you're wrong? But much like according to Pascal's wager, there's this: what I gain is so much more, infinitely more, than that which I've supposedly lost. I've been told I lack freedom; I have never been so free. This incredible freedom and feeling and soul-deep knowledge of truth that comes with following Christ - even on my very worst days - is more than I could have ever hoped for. What if this is all falsehood, a machination of my own imagination - and faith is nothing more than the opiate of the masses - what have I lost? But if some of those around me gamble on the other side, some of those I love - what then?

What If
(c) Nichole Nordeman

What if you're right? He was just another nice guy.
What if You're right?

What if it's true? They say the cross will only make a fool of you.
What if it's true?

What if He takes His place in history with all the prophets and the kings
who taught us love and came in peace, but then the story ends?

What then?

But what if you're wrong? What if there's more?
What if there's hope you've never dreamed of hoping for?
What if You jump? Just close your eyes.
What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise?
What if He's more than enough?
What if it's love?

What if you dig way down deeper than your simple-minded friends?
What if you dig?

What if you find a thousand more unanswered questions down inside?

That's all you find?

What if you pick apart the logic and begin to poke the holes?
What if the crown of thorns is no more than folklore that must be told
and re-told, and re-told?

But what if you're wrong? What if there's more?
What if there's hope you've never dreamed of hoping for?
What if You jump? Just close your eyes.
What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise?
What if He's more than enough?
What if it's love?

'Cuz you've been running as fast as you can.
You've been looking for a place you land for so long.

But what if you're wrong?

What if You jump? Just close your eyes.
What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise?
What if He's more than enough?
What if it's love?

P.S.

2008-01-12T17:58:00.000-08:00

And much thanks to Chris, Vanessa, Tirzah, and the other Heather, a.k.a. "Not So French Girl" who came and commented for DeLurking day! Great to see you out! As to the other 11 of you who came by (and wow, am I popular haha) you guys suck :P (I kid...thanks for coming by, too...but you really should comment!)

Shadows

2008-01-12T17:01:00.000-08:00

I hereby promise myself that next weekend I am not booking myself for anything that I "should" do and to keep an open schedule, but if not completely open, then only things I *want* to do. It is a weekend, after all! I played piano at a funeral today, which is decidedly not my favourite thing to do. Even the best ones leave me feeling a bit down, so I was glad to get a phone call from the lovely Karey when I got home.
She's housesitting right now, and asked if I wanted to go with her to walk the dog. Even though I didn't really feel like it, I sucked it up because I knew it would be good for me to get out of the house. We had a nice little walk, and she patiently waited while I continuously stopped to exclaim, "Ooh, pretty! Picture!" We took the dog down to the house-sitting house, where I also exclaimed over the stupid awesome view. We were there the other night at full dark, too, and it was quite impressive. We talked a bit about random things and nothing and how a mutual friend is still waiting on her visa for South Africa even though she leaves on Wednesday! We also talked about how much we're going to miss her, and that saying goodbye really sucks. (Karey also just put her sister back on a plane to Australia for who knows how long this time.)
I'm glad Karey's around; it seems like lately she's about the only one who bothers calling. (I know, I know, poor me.) The winter's always so rough, the physical darkness seeping into more metaphoric feelings. I'm ridiculously sensitive. Minor stressors pile up, and then something upsetting happens, like the recent death of a family friend, that sends me spinning. I just start to recover, and then driving down to buy groceries, I spot a dead cat in the middle of the road, and it gets me to crying again. And I HATE it! It's just further proof that I'm not normal. But at the same time...

There's a moment when
Faith caves in
There's a time when every soul is certain God is gone
But every shadow is evidence of sun
And every tomorrow holds out hope for us
For every one of us
You are sunrise
You are blue skies
How would I know the morning
If I knew not midnight?
You're my horizon
You're the light of a new dawn
So thank You, thank You
That after the long night, You are sunrise

- Nichole Nordeman, Sunrise

DeLurking

2008-01-10T04:56:00.000-08:00

If you're hovering around here without hitting that comment button, then cut it out! At least for this one day!

Otherwise, I've not got much to say because I'm having a hard time thinking positively and don't particularly want to let that all spew out on to here right now. If you pray, pray for my friends, who've just lost their Mom to a car accident. And pray for me, and my comparatively insignificant stresses and my inability to manage them. Gonna make it. One Day at a time.

Tally

2008-01-09T01:47:00.000-08:00

In the past few months, I have managed to break...
- one wine glass
- two water glasses
- one small vial
- two lamps
- an exercise ball (popped one of of the pieces of glass from one of the aforementioned water glasses.)
- some kind of record, I'm sure.
I'm beginning to think I deserve some sort of prize. Or maybe just that I should child-proof my house.

The Aforementioned News

2008-01-04T02:00:00.001-08:00

Uh, so apparently when I said "later tonight" I totally meant tomorrow, which is now today! Tada!
So I try not to whine too much on here (completely unsuccessfully, really :P) but one of the things I hadn't really mentioned was that money had been getting pretty tight, because of Dad's pension, including my "child benefit", being revoked due to factors I really don't understand, and because of my general inability to stick to a budget.
I'd noticed a small grocery store in town was hiring, and since I've got more than two years of cashier experience, I decided I'd go apply, even though I didn't particularly want to.
So, I got up early, dressed in presentable clothes (even though I never wear anything but jeans in the winter!) and took a resume down. I talked with the manager, but she just didn't seem terribly enthusiastic, and I left feeling kind of discouraged.
Fast forward a few hours, and I have a voicemail from the children's director at the church, saying she has a "proposal" for me. I call back, and quite out of the blue, she offers me a part time job working in the day care at the church! With a bit of juggling, it fits perfectly with my class schedule. It pays decently, and is enough hours to keep me afloat without totally stressing me out, plus it's working with kids, which I love, and even better, it's relevant to my future career in child and youth mental health. It is truly such a Godsend, and I nearly started crying I was so happy!
So I start on Monday, and it shall all be a Grand Adventure, I'm sure :-) Wish me luck!

A Quick Warning

2008-01-02T19:23:00.000-08:00

(Real post coming later tonight, with Exciting News!)

Oh...Right.

2008-01-02T02:41:00.000-08:00

This is why I don't bother going to bed early - my version of early, that is. I hit the hay tonight around ten thirty and was looking forward to a great night's sleep. But now it's 2:43 and I'm wide awake. Huzzah! So, I shall tell you a story.
Today, on my way down the hill from feeding Mum's friend's cats, I saw a young man waiting at the bus stop. He'd been there on my way up, too, and he was looking at his watch and seeming a bit worried. There's no buses here on holidays, and I pulled over to tell him so. He looked so stricken, I offered to give him a ride downtown. We chatted a bit and I discovered he is here on an exchange from Germany. I told him I had a friend in Austria, and that my little sister very nearly did a Rotary exchange to Thailand. And then I felt very dull.
I've always said that I wanted to travel, but beyond a highly structured missions trip to Guatemala, I haven't. I was speaking with that friend in Austria, Lizanne, just a few minutes ago. Time differences are lovely for insomniacs. She was showing me pictures of her Christmas in Austria. The lights in Vienna were spectacular, and I very nearly cried. Why am I still here, in the town where I was born? I hate moving, yes, but that shouldn't preclude travel. This is the perfect time in my life to be doing it - nothing tying me down. Yes, I need to get my degree - but after I finish my Bachelor's, absolutely nothing says it has to be here! I've spent the last hour looking at Masters' Programs all over the world, and mostly terrifying myself. But still, it's intriguing to think of continuing my education in England, or Australia or even "just" the U.S.. I want to be a much more interesting person than I am. Even if the travel just involves a camping trip, I resolve to go somewhere this year, and to somehow look beyond my horizon.