Sunday, September 23, 2007

Unenthused

To have my usual low energy level put upon by being sick...well, it kinda sucks. The only good thing is that I have actually been sleeping - from about 5pm to 7am every night. The bad thing is, I'm still tired. And cold - I'm guessing I won't be warm again until spring. There's supposed to be frost tonight. Silly Canada.
And I'm pretty sure my digital camera is dead. I thought it might just be the batteries. I recharged them - and it took one picture, and now it's dead again. Worse yet, it's stuck with the lens out. This makes me very sad, because I really like taking pictures.
...............................................................................................
I went to church today. I hated it. I don't feel like I belong there anymore, and I'm not sure what to do about that. It's not a terribly novel thing, to feel alone amidst a couple hundred people...but it seems especially tragic at church.
It's not everyone. There are some good people - some great people - like Jodi, who had lunch with me after the service. Then there's the people who say, "Hey, we noticed you haven't been here..." but it seems like more of a judgment than that they actually missed me. Or the people who only talk to you when they want something...or the people who never talk to you at all.
I keep hearing that church is a place for imperfect people - but I feel like it's only to a certain degree. You can have flaws - except these ones.
I've heard a lot of people bail out on church, saying, "I'm okay with God, it's His people I can't stand." And I've tried to talk them out of it - you can't expect people to be perfect, and Christians, like everyone else, are far from it. I think I underestimated how it feels to walk into that building and feel like no one really cares. And I know that there are people who tell me that they care about me - and they really mean it, or at least they think they do. And they'll even try. But there always comes a point where I'm too much for them - my burdens are too much for them to handle. Not that they've been asked to carry them, but just to listen for a while. But it's too much, and so they walk away, and I'm alone. Again.
I hate this.

8 comments:

oestrebunny said...

So maybe church isn't for you? Or more to the point, maybe that church isn't for you. When I was wee I used to go to church every Sunday, but I haven't been in about...probably about 12/13 years. I don't really believe in it all to be honest and some church people really get on my tits. Especially the ones who preach in town and hand out pamphlets.

But yeah anyway, don't sweat it, you'll find something for you and it might not even be a church.

David said...

Yeah, I say "church around" a bit and find one that's a better fit, assuming you still feel drawn to go somewhere.

You might want to look for a support group of some kind, people going through similar stuff as you. (though I haven't been reading much, so I don't know your particulars)

Anonymous said...

but those who truly love you love you forever........funny thing about the church.... something definitely missing there... a place where relationship counts? well you "count" lots to me. looking forward to seeing you soon.

Jen said...

Heather,

Instead of looking at what people aren't doing for you, look at what you're not doing for them. Relationships are a two-way street. Try getting a little more involved in your church (I have no idea how involved you are), try to see how others are doing and listen to them instead of them listening to you. Do your best to BE a good friend, instead of looking to find a good friend (or do both at the same time). Every church has problems and every church is going to have people that you don't click with.

Just don't listen to oestrebunny - church IS for you.

Heather said...

Jen,
There has never been anything that I wouldn't do for my friends - and you don't know nearly enough about me or my friendships to say all that you just said. I've quite literally given until it hurts. I've listened to things I'd rather never have heard, and had my heart break along with those I care about.
You're assuming a lot by what you commented. I think you'd be hard pressed to find someone who was any more involved in their church - worship team, choir, nursery, young adults leadership team, worship leading, making snacks, driving people around, small group, prayer meetings, Sunday morning sound engineer - you name it, I've done it or am doing it. So thanks, but I think I'll pass on the advice to get more involved.
And I didn't say that I'd given up on church, but that I was having a hard time. Of course there will be people I don't click with; that's inevitable. But sometimes it's not an issue of "clicking" - instead, it's people acting in ways and doing things that Jesus would never countenance. And yeah, some of the time I'm the one screwing up - I know it. But don't assume I haven't tried, am not trying.
My faith is not so shallow as to be shaken by oestrebunny's comment, but I know that she means well, and I'm rather ashamed to say I get a lot more kindness and compassion from random people over the internet than from most of my church. But I'm still there, and I'm still doing my best to be who God wants me to be.
To sum up a long email, I guess I want to say this: be a lot more careful in what you assume. It's been a very long time, and you don't know me.

Just Dawn said...

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Anonymous said...

i agree with the church around thing, and yeah, sometimes change in that area is needed. i know you're a tender, servant hearted gal who just wants to be involved, validated, loved.. just like everyone... i'm really wondering if its something that's going on with other people, that they're having some issues and you're getting the brunt of that...? have you spoken to them about how you're feeling?? hunny, i know that this sucks [went through it about a year ago. left the church after being thoroughly abused and never looked back... in a new HEALTHY church and growing, loving it!] but there is a place for you. you just gotta find it, whether it be in the current church or another. just don't give up, ok? press on, press on!!! even tho it hurts, just keep going. and remember, He has overtaken the world, this has already been conquered. luv u. and am praying for you, just not in the usual, pseudochristian manner. lol.

Heather said...

But who are you!? heh.