Thursday, April 24, 2008

Just to change things up - FOUR a.m. ramblings...

  • To add to the list of most depressing songs: Mad World - Gary Jules (Which, yes, I downloaded because of a Halo commercial. I'm awesome.) "I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad, the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had..." (I've never had a dream in which I was dying. I've had those where loved ones die though and those are *Definitely* not the best.)
  • I hurt. I forgot to take my pills this morning - again! - and it resulted in withdrawal symptoms that, even though I get them with such regularity due to forgetfulness, I didn't recognize until I finally got home at 11:30 and saw the pill bottle. Migraine, dizziness, nausea, tenseness in every muscle I own...just the usual fun and games.
  • A couple Advil liquid gels and a sleeping pill....hope they work.
  • Kitten is cute, soft and loving. It's a very good thing. (Certainly better than a couple hours ago when she was attacking my feet while I tried to sleep.)
  • I'm gonna try to sleep again. Thank God I don't work til 2:45.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Thoughts at 3am

He hasn't called me in months. It used to be an annoyance, I guess, but now I find myself wondering why he doesn't try. I called him for his birthday a month ago, and that was the last time we talked.
Before that, it was the awkward Christmas gift exchange, where I wondered just what the gaping disparity in "value" meant, and if I'd done something wrong. How foolish of me, to equate monetary value with what he thinks of me...but I'm sorry, it hurts when my Christmas present still has the tag on in from the dollar store, and I see the other gifts you've given don't.
You think I'd know better by now than to have any expectations of him.
He said he thought I'd changed my number. And not told him? Did he really think I would do that? Is that who I am to him?
Is that who I am?
Why do I let him make me doubt myself? I'm a good person, a loving person. I'm a good friend, a good sister, a good daughter, damn it. I fail and I fall but I truly believe that the love I have for those around me is what really matters.
So why does that love get so mixed up when it comes to him? Why is it so entwined with guilt and regret, and yes, sometimes hate?
In the month since he found out I didn't change my number, he hasn't called. Logically, I know it could very easily have nothing to do with me. He's probably deep into the depressed side of his bipolar disorder. Maybe he doesn't call because he doesn't feel like he has anything to give me. And yes, the times we get together for coffee or lunch are nearly painfully awkward, but like I said, I still want him to try. I still need him to try.
I guess it's just because he is...or at least dad.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Dead (Tired) Poets' Society

Still no sign of the sandman
And the ticks of my cheap IKEA alarm clock
Mock my sleeplessness and fray my nerves
The hours 'til its rude awakening grow shorter
As I become more likely to see sunrise
From the wrong side

I'd offer my kingdom for a good night's sleep
If I had anything to offer but a red bottom line
Instead that crimson ink conspires against me
With its compatriots in stress
Those things personal, temporal and academic
Join the clock in my cognitive chorus

The sandman is a fickle bastard
Were you to ask me
More adept at torture than a hundred sadistic --
Curb my thoughts, my words, my temper
Anger only fuels each cigarette butt
Crushed against my skin

So I release the detritus
And strive to be a depressed person
Who thinks happy thoughts
14,000 things and counting
Waiting for internalization
And a covert glimpse at the sandman

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Bullets of Depression - As much fun as it sounds!

  • When I'm feeling down, I shouldn't listen to music that makes it worse, but I do. (See, Exhibit A: Michael Bublé, Home.)
    • "May be surrounded by a million people, I still feel all alone...I just want to go home."
  • I'm cold, I'm tired and I'm stressed and all I want to do is sleep.
  • Or eat. Preferably pasta. Are there endorphins in pasta? It seems like it :P Why can't salad be comfort food? I need to go back to my childhood and re-pair my associations.
  • School work? What school work? I'm just trying to make it to the morning.
  • A bad day/week/month can cause you to take to heart a comment you know you should ignore from someone whose opinion does not even rate.
  • Friends are amazing, but they can only do so much.
  • Some nights are really, really long. This is going to be one of them.