Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Thoughts at 3am

He hasn't called me in months. It used to be an annoyance, I guess, but now I find myself wondering why he doesn't try. I called him for his birthday a month ago, and that was the last time we talked.
Before that, it was the awkward Christmas gift exchange, where I wondered just what the gaping disparity in "value" meant, and if I'd done something wrong. How foolish of me, to equate monetary value with what he thinks of me...but I'm sorry, it hurts when my Christmas present still has the tag on in from the dollar store, and I see the other gifts you've given don't.
You think I'd know better by now than to have any expectations of him.
He said he thought I'd changed my number. And not told him? Did he really think I would do that? Is that who I am to him?
Is that who I am?
Why do I let him make me doubt myself? I'm a good person, a loving person. I'm a good friend, a good sister, a good daughter, damn it. I fail and I fall but I truly believe that the love I have for those around me is what really matters.
So why does that love get so mixed up when it comes to him? Why is it so entwined with guilt and regret, and yes, sometimes hate?
In the month since he found out I didn't change my number, he hasn't called. Logically, I know it could very easily have nothing to do with me. He's probably deep into the depressed side of his bipolar disorder. Maybe he doesn't call because he doesn't feel like he has anything to give me. And yes, the times we get together for coffee or lunch are nearly painfully awkward, but like I said, I still want him to try. I still need him to try.
I guess it's just because he is...or at least was...my dad.


Anonymous said...

I feel this way about a couple of my used to be friends, but I'm not saying its the same thing either. I'm sorry that he's the way he is...we've talked about him before and I know it hurts you even when you don't think it does. You can only do as much as he allows you to do...keep trying for your own sake and maybe one day to your surprise he'll "take the bait!"

I love you!

ChickenTherapy said...

yeh Im with sporkchop, keep trying. One day he will come to his senses and realise what an amazing daughter he has. Plus if he is badly bipolar then just having someone trying to contact him will help him, even if he doesnt answer. Mwah.

Vanessa said...

What a touching post. I cant imagine how hard this must be to endure.