Saturday, November 06, 2010

Day 6: Something I Hope Never To Do

Like everyone else, I imagine, I hope to never, ever have to bury a child (should I have one!). A dear friend of the family lost her son to suicide a little over three years ago, and it very nearly destroyed her. I can not even imagine the pain. While there is really nothing good in that kind of grief, I must admit that in some way, it has been helpful to me - allowing me to understand the effect a suicide on the family.

When I was suicidal, when it was very, very bad - years ago, now - I truly thought my family would be better off without me. I think it's important for people to understand that most suicidal individuals are not thinking rationally. I understood that had I succeeded in my suicide attempt, my family would grieve, but I believed they would "get over it" before too long, and the grief from my death would be less damaging than the grief I caused them by living and by being...well, by being me. I understand better now, having seen some small fragment of the effects. Even though I survived, I know that my actions have left many scars on my family and others who love me. I know now, no matter how tumultuous things seem or are in my mind, that I do have something to offer, and that I can make people's lives better by being here, even as so many wonderful people enrich mine. I hope that I never have to feel that depth of despair again, I hope that I never, never, never give up, and more than anything I hope that, should the demons chase me down again and I can't escape that pain, I hope that I continue to resist. I hope that I can stay strong, and that I can ask for the strength of God and loved ones when I need to. Most of all, I hope to never, ever cause my loved ones that kind of pain again.

(Note: I promise I do not feel suicidal now. I am quite happy, considering the recent loss of my grandmother. This is me, being reassuring - I am okay. And if you're not? If you know what feeling I'm talking about and you need someone to talk to? Please don't hesitate to email me, or to call someone you love or one of the many suicide hotlines available.)


Jen said...

Unfortunately, I know those suicidal thoughts WELL and have considered them to the point of googling "easy" ways out. And I agree, suicial people are NOT thinking clearly - but they think they are!!!

I hope to never lose one of my children either. I've had friends that have and it's DEVESTATING.

ps. I'm very glad you're still around. :)

Tirzah said...

I can only hope that I could have helped you back then had I'd known you. I know that if you were ever having thoughts like that now days that you would come to me and we would work through things. I'm glad that you're here, that we're friends and please know that you mean so much to me. :)