Unenthused

To have my usual low energy level put upon by being sick...well, it kinda sucks. The only good thing is that I have actually been sleeping - from about 5pm to 7am every night. The bad thing is, I'm still tired. And cold - I'm guessing I won't be warm again until spring. There's supposed to be frost tonight. Silly Canada.
And I'm pretty sure my digital camera is dead. I thought it might just be the batteries. I recharged them - and it took one picture, and now it's dead again. Worse yet, it's stuck with the lens out. This makes me very sad, because I really like taking pictures.
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I went to church today. I hated it. I don't feel like I belong there anymore, and I'm not sure what to do about that. It's not a terribly novel thing, to feel alone amidst a couple hundred people...but it seems especially tragic at church.
It's not everyone. There are some good people - some great people - like Jodi, who had lunch with me after the service. Then there's the people who say, "Hey, we noticed you haven't been here..." but it seems like more of a judgment than that they actually missed me. Or the people who only talk to you when they want something...or the people who never talk to you at all.
I keep hearing that church is a place for imperfect people - but I feel like it's only to a certain degree. You can have flaws - except these ones.
I've heard a lot of people bail out on church, saying, "I'm okay with God, it's His people I can't stand." And I've tried to talk them out of it - you can't expect people to be perfect, and Christians, like everyone else, are far from it. I think I underestimated how it feels to walk into that building and feel like no one really cares. And I know that there are people who tell me that they care about me - and they really mean it, or at least they think they do. And they'll even try. But there always comes a point where I'm too much for them - my burdens are too much for them to handle. Not that they've been asked to carry them, but just to listen for a while. But it's too much, and so they walk away, and I'm alone. Again.
I hate this.

Arrr!

Well, it's International Talk Like A Pirate Day, and my very favourite part of that would be that induced by Veggie Tales - it's a day off for me, so, it's all the more true - I am a Pirate Who Don't Do Anything!!



Veggie Tales is releasing a feature film based on the same characters. I'm hoping it'll be better than Jonah, and I'm gonna *really* enjoy it!!
Aye Aye, Captain Crunch!!

Oh!

And if you came by via Zoot, please say hi! I've got ten times my normal traffic thanks to her! Contributing to her bail is for an awesome cause, and she's getting locked up soon! So I encourage you to support her in that!

Tell me...

How many honest people do you think are left in the world?
Tonight one of my profs, who works at the prison, was asking us what we'd do if we found a wallet with $100 in it, and comparing our response to that of the prisoners. He also asked what we'd do with a briefcase with one million cash. Answers and discussions were vivid. And we also knew there was a difference between what we say we'd do, and what would happen when it came down to it - those who asked for too many qualifiers - "well, is there ID?" "What about x"...what about y...the more qualifications you make on the statement, I think, the more you're trying to justify what you're tempted to do wrong. I thought about giving the $1M to charity. Easy to do in the hypothetical, I suppose!
I headed to the grocery store on my way home from class, to grab a couple items with which to bake cookies. I told the clerk the code for a bulk item, and he heard me wrong by one number. One number that made a five dollar difference in my purchase - from regular raisins to Craisins. (mmmm Craisins.) I corrected him, and he said, "Wow, you didn't have to say anything." "Well, much as I'd rather pay for regular raisins, I'm afraid I did."
I'm not the only one who'd do this, am I?

A Case of the Mondays...

Leaves me fraught with disorganization...hence, I bring you...
BULLET POINTS!

• A guy in one of my classes today had what looked to be an Elvish arm band tattoo. Yes, Tolkein's Elvish. I really want to ask him what it says, but am a little concerned that it's actually Cyrillic or something and I'll look like an idiot. Or, he'll beat me up. (He could be scary! He looks sort of scary! Except if it *is* Elvish and then he's probably actually more of a dork than I am.)

• Because last week we had Monday off for Labour Day, today was the first time I had my Restoration Lit class. I think the prof looks - and laughs - like Santa Claus. He seems to laugh a lot, especially at his own jokes, so this should be a fun semester! (Next semester too...I have him again.)

• I was running late today, and pulled into the parking lot at 3:40 - ten minutes behind. The prof then let us out two hours early (since it was the first class, there wasn't much to discuss.) This was great, except that I realized I had paid three dollars for forty minutes of parking. Please, shoot me now.

• I seem to have done it again - taken a book from the library that I've already read. It's very hard for me to keep track of them, you know, and it doesn't seem that the library system has any sort of tracking module. And I often don't notice until I'm halfway through the book (hey, if you read upwards of a hundred books in a year, you'd get a bit muddled too!) and those are moments of my life I could've spent sleeping!

• I have an unnatural hatred of doing dishes. And yet, I feel so much better once they're done. I'm also faced with the ugly reality at the moment, that if I don't wash them, I will have nothing off which to eat.

• Speaking of which, I suppose it's time to do something about dinner. Ciao!

Nerves of Jello!

Well hello interweb! I just thought I'd pop in and say that, oddly enough, I'm going to be on the radio tomorrow! (Technically, today, since it's past midnight!) I'll be joining Heidi and Lara over at Chick Chat Radio and you can listen to them (any day you choose...funny ladies!) on XM radio and all other sorts of neat places. (See here.)
I'm going to be talking to them about Canada, and some of the differences between our two countries and assuring them that we really don't live in igloos, and all that!
So, I'm really nervous? Because I abhor my speaking voice, and I tend to talk too fast, and in general I'm just a huge dork. So, um, wish me luck ;-) I think my one hope is that pretty much no one I know will hear this! But if you do (if you can't get the show live, it can be downloaded) then say hi, and tell me I don't sound *quite* as dumb as I feel! (Hopefully!)

Courage and Faith

It's been said that courage is not the absence of fear, but to feel the fear and go on with it anyway.
"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear." - Mark Twain
I hope, with every ounce of depth alloted me, that it is the same with faith. That faith is not the absence of doubt - but the choice to believe nonetheless. Because I'm overwhelmed by doubts. It's hard to remember the good things, the blessings that God's brought me in the past. That in itself makes me feel foolish - didn't I scoff, reading Exodus, that after all God had done for the Israelites, they still didn't believe him? He gave them manna, and quail when they complained of manna's blandness! How could they doubt?
How can I doubt?

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I've been so long in the valley
I've forgotten all the feelings of the mountain
That kept me hanging on
And I'm left to ask, how long?
'Cause I can't hear You, I can't feel You
And I'm losing faith
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