Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Cry Pretty

You know, for someone who hates to cry, I sure do it a lot! And believe you me, I don't cry pretty.
Now, what made me cry is not for public consumption, but from that point on, I can share. After the "instigation" I went down to the park. To cry in the rain and wind, because that seemed apropos. You ever have days when it was bright and sunny out, but you're miserable? It feels terribly incongruous. Today was a miserable looking day, and it fit.
I knew I needed to talk to someone, as my thoughts were starting to scare me (could I climb to the top of that bridge? Because if I jumped head first, I could probably break my neck and it'd be nice and instantaneous.) But I couldn't think of a single person to call. I felt ridiculously alone.
Finally, I caved and called my friend Brian in Calgary. On my cel phone. Genius. We talked for almost an hour. He practiced his therapy skillz by saying things like "that's fair" and "understandable."
After that I was kind of sick of feeling sorry for myself, so I decided to head over to the church to see if they needed nay help for the concert tonight. I helped some band members around the maze that is our church. And that was about it. But there was a time when no one was using the piano, so I played for a while.
Later, at the concert, I sat in the lobby because I still had a pretty bad headache (did I mention crying gives me nasty, throbbing headaches? yeah, that too.) And nearly everyone who walked past me asked if I was okay. I really was, by that point, but because everything had been so close to the surface, every time someone asked me, I started to cry again. From the person I don't know all that well rubbing my shoulder for a rather long time, to a friend's mum who's kinda like an auntie giving me a full-on hug and telling me she loved me, everything choked me up.
I hate when everything's like lava below a very thin crust. Not sure when it's going to bubble up and burn someone. I hate that what to some people would be a minor issue sends me over the edge.
I hate that it's so easy to make me cry. And I hate that I don't cry pretty.

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