Peter and Wendy

I think I might really love this book. When trying to get some homework done at Granny and Grampy's earlier this month, I searched out one of their copies and then Grampy and I had a bit of fun finding out just how much an early 1911 edition would be worth. (Answer: Wow.)
I read it to Granny in the hospital, and we both enjoyed that, I think. (Though I felt a bit self-conscious reading the passages about the "redskins" with one of Granny's fellow patients being a native man!)
Anyway, just now going through it for school again and trying to write an essay on the male and female roles throughout (Answer: men are big babies and women their mothers.) I was reading over movie quotes from Finding Neverland (which I loved before I'd read the book) and found this line:

Porthos dreams of being a bear, and you want to shatter those dreams by saying he's *just* a dog? What a horrible candle-snuffing word. That's like saying, "He can't climb that mountain, he's just a man", or "That's not a diamond, it's just a rock." Just.

It made me smile. And even more so, what I found in the front of my marked-up version of the tale that I'm using for references and the like:

In 1929 J.M. Barrie donated all rights in peter Pan to Great Ormond Street Children's Hospital. In 1987, fifty years after Barrie's death, copyright expired under UK law. However, the following year a unique Act of Parliament restored royalty income from all versions of Peter Pan to the Hospital, which means that the very sick children there will continue to benefit from J. M. Barrie's generous gift for as long as the hospital exists.

If only for that, I would love this book - for what it inspires in our hearts and imaginations. After all, all it takes is hope and trust, and a little bit of pixie dust!

Copycat for Content

Music Game

Step 1: Put your music player on random.
Step 2: Post the first line from the first 25 songs that play, no matter how embarrassing the song. (remember to write down the name of the song for yourself before you move to the next one!)
Step 3: Post and let everyone you know guess what song and artist the lines come from.
Step 4: Strike out the songs when someone guesses correctly (No lyric hunting! That is cheating!)


1. So there goes my life, passing by with every exit sign...
2. Nighttime sharpens, heightens each sensation... Phantom of the Opera - Music of the Night (Robyn, I am so glad I don't have to disown you lol!)
3. The other day, I got in a fight...
4. Hello, I've waited here for you
5. If you want a lover, I'll do anything you ask me to...
6. As he came into the window, it was the sound of a crescendo...
7. What good is the scheming, the planning and dreaming...
8. There are times when I look above and beyond... Janet Jackson - Together Again (Nice job, Robyn!)
9. I'm dreaming of a white Christmas... (Durrr) The classic - Bing Crosby - White Christmas
10. I don't buy the lines in magazines that tell me what I've gotta be...
11. This one's for all you girls about thirteen... Martina McBride - This One's for the Girls
12. Must have thought I was so strong...
13. Why do we do the things we do, how can we sing...
14. Opened my eyes this morning with a smile on my face... Rascal Flatts - Breakaway
15. Kiss me with the kisses of your mouth...
16. One step closer to the sea wall...
17. When the train rolls by, I'm gonna be ready this time... Dixie Chicks - Ready to Run
18. Panis angelicus fit panis hominum...
19. Everybody took everything that they could and they made a little town...
20. Sometimes it's a pair of old faded denim I know... Sugarland - Wishing (Good job, Terry! I love this song...and the whole album basically!)
21. There's a ship out on the ocean, at the mercy of the sea... Garth Brooks - When You Come Back to Me Again
22. Every sun and moon and star, all declaring who You are...
23. If shame had a face, I think it would kind of look like mine... Good job Constance!
24. Billy Ray was a preacher's son... Son of a Preacher Man - I'll give credit to Tesa and Constance, but the version I have is actually Etta James!
25. Every day is a journal page, every man holds a quill and ink...


Have at 'er! :)

Ch-ch-change

Okay, so the whole "pink for October" thing kinda went on two weeks longer than I'd intended, but oh well ;)
This new design is mostly Blogger, but also thanks go to the people at www.myspaceoryours.net who made this lovely graphic initially for a MySpace layout (and Taylor Swift uses it! Oooh! I just bought her album and I love it so far!) and then I "stole" it (It's a free background!) and adjusted it for my own needs.
I like it :) What do you think?

Five

I just read an entry from The Pioneer Woman where she asked her readers to describe themselves with five adjectives...and these were mine.

Afraid
Alone
Shaking
Depressed
But somehow still hopeful

Except I lied a little bit on the lats one because I didn't want to be a TOTAL downer. I'm sure I'll be hopeful again at some point in the future, though.
I had an appointment with the psychiatrist today, but we got the times mixed up, I guess, and so I was there what *I* thought was on time, but what I was told was 15 minutes late. I was informed that the doctor was "unable to see [me] because she needs the full hour" (or 50 minutes, really.) The receptionist said they weren't booking any appointments now, that the schedule is full until after January.
I walked out of the office, and that's when the shaking started. I got to my car, and tears started running down my face, and I started hyperventilating.
I don't really know why this upset me so much...why I let it? But I feel terrifyingly fragile.

File Under: Things that Amuse Me

toothpastefordinner.com

I wonder why alone feels so much lonelier on weekends than any other night?

No Brilliant Ideas Here!

Well, really, I'm just posting because I can't think of anything better to do at this precise moment in time! I've already baked the cake and made the pudding for the trifle I'm taking to Young Adults tomorrow night, as well as made up the spinach dip that I'm going to put in a sourdough bread bowl. My life is nothing but excitement, I tell you!
I'm also blogging so that I don't fall asleep. You see, I have class in 53 minutes, and it would be rather uncool to pass out before that happens!
I did dishes today too, so all my cooking and baking mess isn't overtaking the kitchen. Now that I mention the kitchen, though, my tummy is telling me I had better eat something before class! It was rather loud, and vocal, actually!
I went around to three different stores today before I actually found what I wanted, which was quite irritating! Nonetheless, I found what I needed and the walking certainly didn't hurt me any. (Not that I was walking between stores, just within them.)
(I have a friend from school who has been walking everywhere for the last month and she's lost 13 pounds. She's very happy with herself. I'm rather astounded at her energy - to do the 5km down and up the hill to the University, sometimes twice a day. I could do the downhill maybe but the uphill? HA!)
I was on the radio today! Only for a silly contest, but it would be a pretty nifty contest if I were to win! The object was to a) be the first caller through (I was!) and b) to sing along to a song by The Wilkinsons - as an audition/get your name in the draw for the contest. I kept hearing the radio cutting out, and such nonsense, so missed a bit on the singing, but it was apparently not so off-key as to rule me out of the contest, and here's the cool part: apparently there are only 20 or so people in the draw bucket, and if you win, you get a chance to have Sunday brunch with the band, and perhaps even sing backup on one song for their concert. I think that would be wicked cool! So, I really hope I win :) Better odds than the lottery anyway ;)
Anyhow, 45 minutes to class time, so I'd better put something in this belly of mine. Catch ya'll later! (And Mum and Grampy, I shall see you Thursday! Yay!)

Oooh Pink!

Well, plenty of sites do it, and I couldn't sleep anyway :P So here I am, Pink for the Cure! And you can even see my severely limited graphic design skills! Woo!
If you're Canadian, check out the link on the right for the Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation, or if you're from those scary United States, take a gander over at the page of the Susan G. Komen foundation!
No one should have to lose a loved one to cancer. Guys, let me tell you, if you haven't been there already, even if you're not close, it just sucks.
My last memory of my Auntie Carol is her angrily slapping my hand down because I was tapping my fingers on the table in an irritating way. I would've been around 12, I think.
I wish we'd had time to make more memories - and more opportunities to make good ones.
Cancer should not be stealing away so many of our loved ones. We need to find a cure - yesterday. We need to raise awareness, and we need to raise money. Do what you can.
Peace.

Happy Thoughts Never Come at 3a.m.

One week in and already I'm questioning myself about school. I have my first class (again, because I didn't finish it last year) for statistics tomorrow (since we started last week on Wednesday), and reading the textbook is only serving to remind me that stats make me want to shoot myself.
I still have two long-overdue essays from last semester. I've emailed one prof asking if he'd possibly still accept it and am waiting on a reply, and the other prof said he would, but told me the best I could possibly do in the course was a D. I should be grateful that he'll still grade it at all, and I am, but I'm feeling terribly discouraged as well.
That same prof, in the lecture for our first clinical psych class tonight (or last night, I guess...) was talking about the rigors of grad school, and the minimum 3.7GPA you need to get in, along with perfect GRE scores and research experience. Even as he talked about the work he was doing at the correctional center and the consulting and so much of what sounded fascinating and exciting to me, the hopelessness of ever getting there was reverberating in my mind.
I'm trying to remind myself that taking stats again is a blessing - an opportunity to correct the mistakes I made last time; that I'm blessed that Reid will accept the paper at all - a D is better than a Did Not Complete, which holds the same GPA value as an F.
But then I wonder if I should just scrap the whole thing - while I still can, and get (most) of the money back and give it back to the student loan bureau. Should I tackle the whole thing again in a few years as a "mature student"? Would I, could I be stronger? I wonder if I should run away to the Island and spend time with my grandparents while they're still around. Should I retreat to my mommy and let her help me get healthy - lose the weight that is more like a millstone around my neck than a number on a scale. I'm 24 years old - an adult, by any standard, and I should be able to keep my own act together. (There were many swear words omitted from that last sentence. I just wanted you to know.)
I know that a lot of this is my depression talking - and if it's not that it may just be the voice of the devil himself. ˆI'm stupid. I'll never succeed. I'm ugly inside and out. Worthless. Damn it, I know they're lies! But they're insidious ones, and the ones that roll around in my head at now 4am on a sleepless night, because rainbows and unicorns don't feature in the dark watches of the night.

Still Not Dead!

Oh, hi there, blogland. I would like to take this moment in time to assure you that I am in fact, not dead. Nor am I asleep, which is a pity.
So, let's see...life rather carries on whether you're ready for it or not. I can't believe classes start again in less than a week! Oy! I don't feel even remotely ready. A big part of me wants to run away, except I don't know where to!
Restless and weird, that's me!
I can hear my landlord getting up for work now It's a little frightening how many times I've heard him upstairs, since he gets up at 5.
I'm not really awake enough to write anything clever (as though I can when I'm awake!) but I just wanted to say hi. So, hi. Hope life's going swimmingly for any of you who are reading this. Until next time.

Nothing to say, really, but if a picture's worth a thousand words, then I'm about to blow your mind ;) Here are some of my favourite shots from the last month.

Seven Deadly Sins Meme

WRATH

1. Who did you last get angry with?
I'm taking it as a good sign that I'm having a hard time remembering...

2. What is your weapon of choice?
Broadsword

3. Would you hit a member of the opposite sex?
I teasingly hit guys all the time, and have been told that it hurts. Uh, I fail.

4. How about of the same sex?
I have, and wish I hadn't.

5. Who was the last person who got really angry at you?
Probably one of my sisters, though I don't know who or for what!

6. What is your pet peeve?
Idiot drivers. Not that I never am one :P

7. Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily?
Keep them, more than I'd like. I work at letting them go, but it's hard for me!

SLOTH

1. What is one thing you're supposed to do daily that you don't?
Clean house.

2. What is the latest you've ever woken up?
7pm, after not getting to sleep til 10am.

4. What is the last lame excuse you made?
"I'm tired."

5. Have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through?
Magic bullet, so many times.

6. When was the last time you got in a good workout?
A month-ish ago, Karey and I went on a pretty hike-y walk heh.

7. How many times did you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock today?
Not at all - way too dangerous especially on the first day of a new job!

GLUTTONY

1. What is your overpriced yuppie beverage of choice?
Cosmo.

2. Meat eaters: white meat or dark meat??
Either, depending on my mood! I usually eat chicken but once in a while I get like, "STEAK. NOW!"

3. What is the greatest amount of alcohol you've had in one sitting/outing/event?
Four drinks? Five? Something like that.

4. Have you ever used a professional diet company?
Yeah, failed miserably.

5. Do you have an issue with your weight?
Yes.

6. Do you prefer sweets, salty foods, or spicy?
All of those, and carbs, delicious carbs.

7. Have you ever looked at a small house pet or child and thought "lunch"?
Ha! No.

LUST

1. How many people have you seen naked (not counting movies/family):
Do shameless old ladies at the Y count? :P

2. How many people have seen YOU naked (not counting physicians/family):
None. (Lucky for them :P)

3. Have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a member of the opposite gender during a normal conversation?
Uh, yes. Sorry about that.

4. Have you ever kissed two people in one night?
Nope.

5. What is your favorite body part on a person of your gender of choice?
Just one? Forearms, shoulders, hips...mmm men. :P

6. Have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute?
No.

GREED

1. How many credit cards do you own?
Two.

2. What's your guilty pleasure store?
Somewhere with ice cream (I think this fits in the gluttony category :P)

3. Would you rather be rich, or famous?
Rich...fame costs too much!

4. Would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make megabucks?
That'd probably depend how time-consuming it was and if I could have fun in the off-time!

5. Have you ever stolen anything?
Long ago...the pop machine at the fire station was on the honour system, and my 11 year old self apparently had no honour.

6. How many MP3s are on your hard drive?
3000ish...but some of them are paid for :P

PRIDE

1. What's one thing you have done that you're most proud of?
Put on a concert.

2. What one thing have you done that your parents are most proud of?
Dragging my butt slowly and tortuously through University.

3. What things would you like to accomplish in your life?
So many - but mostly to love and be loved.

4. Do you get annoyed by coming in second place?
Depends for what! I know my strengths and my weaknesses, and am okay with both!

5. Have you ever entered a contest of skill, knowing you were of much higher skill than all the other competitors?
No...no skills ;-)

6. Have you ever cheated on something to get a higher score?
Nope.

7. What did you do today that you're proud of?
Started a new job!

ENVY

1. What item (or person) of your friends would you most want to have for your own?
I'd like to own a house.

2. Who would you want to go on "Trading Spaces" with?
One of my sisters, most likely!

3. If you could be anyone else in the world, who would you be?
For a day, maybe Angelina Jolie, for forever, just me!

4. Have you ever been cheated on?
No, hard when you've never been in a relationship!

5. Have you ever wished you had a physical feature different from your own?
Body shape/size, yes, features, not that much!

6. What inborn trait do you see in others that you wish you had for yourself?
Drive.

I win! Updates...

• I've finished my "summer" class and ended up with an A. That ought to help boost my poor beleaguered GPA ;-)
  
• I had a job interview this morning. I think it went well? But then I'm also a pretty horrid judge of these things, so we'll see. They said they'd let me know either way by Wednesday. Fingers crossed!
• I am still not done my essays. This makes me want to punt myself in the head. What I need it to make me want to do, is DO THE ESSAYS. Argh. I have ten more days on my self-imposed deadline. Dangit, I can do this!
• Have been walking with Dear Karey a few times but we both want to go more so we feel a little less like slugs :P
  
• Had a healthy lunch today- happy with myself.
  
• Going to take a little rest before work.
  
• Looking forward to tonight but I can't tell you why just yet, just in case!
  
• More later.
• Ciao
  

June

Well, I can't sleep (surprise) but it's too late to take a sleeping pill, since I have to get up in 6 hours and a pill has the potential to knock me out for about 12 - if it works. So instead I'm going to assign myself the fascinating task of filling out my student loan application. Isn't that special. I also want to outline a few goals for myself for the month of June - and add some accountability by posting them here!


June Goals

• Walk at least three times a week
• Don't eat out so much!
• Invite someone to dinner at least twice
• Finish outstanding essays
• Attend all remaining computing classes (barring extreme circumstances)
• Recycle, recycle, recycle (We have curbside recycling now, so I have absolutely no excuse.)
• Extend to myself the same grace I would to others
• Kick my own butt when necessary
  

Crazy Eights, for Tesa and Tiz

EIGHT THINGS FOR WHICH I HAVE PASSION:

1. God. Saviour, Healer, best friend, I Am. He is everything to me, truly. God is the reason I sing, the reason I write, and most importantly, the reason I somehow manage to drag my sorry butt out of bed in the mornings.
2. Family. My sisters and I are so incredibly different but I wouldn't trade what we have for anything in the world. And you got my thoughts on Mum a couple weeks ago. The Gs, Mum's parents...love 'em like crazy. The rest of the fam, well that's more driving me crazy, but hey. ;-)
   
3. Songwriting. I've never thought that I was particularly amazing at it, but it's an incredible way to express myself, and say things I could somehow never otherwise articulate.
4. Music. Though it often converges with the previous item, listening to and playing music is a joy all its own. It's been way too long before I sat at a piano, and I really, really need to remedy that. Melodramatic as it sounds, I don't think my soul is quite right without it.
5. Horses. It may have been a few years since I had my own, but if the Equine Facilitated Mental Health Workshop a couple weeks ago taught me anything (and it did, ohhh it did!), it reminded me precisely why I love horses. They're beautiful and majestic, but earthy and gentle and compassionate and intuitive, and, well, this sentence could run on forever ;-)
6. Children. I love kids. There was a sign in the nursery before we started renovating at the church that said, "Babies are such a nice way to start people." I concur! And even though there are definitely the less charming moments, I think overall, children are so amazing with their generosity of love and vivacity!
   
7. "My" Kids. The kids I work with at the daycare are an eclectic mix coming from a variety of backgrounds, but I see such amazing potential in all of them. Obviously, they're the coolest kids ever and I'm not the least bit biased :-P
8. Food. Not always the healthiest passion for me, but I love to cook and to eat! I'll try anything once but I definitely have my favourites. Mostly, I love to invite a friend over and just go totally crazy making them something utterly delicious!
   

EIGHT THINGS I’D LIKE TO DO BEFORE I DIE:

1. Spend Christmas in Paris. And if I can manage it, not speak a word of English the entire time. (Could be tricky if I end up having a hubby who's a francophobe, but we'll see haha.)
   
2. Write a novel. Even if it sucks, I want to finish one.
   
3. Record a CD. (Okay, I'd like to do this before the end of the year. Finish the blasted thing!)
4. Get my Masters Degree in Counselling Psychology. (Again, not so much the death timeline, let's say more like next 7 years.)
5. Take a photography class.
6. Run a marathon or half-marathon. Be fit enough to do so without lions, tigers and bears chasing me.
   
7. Go on a sailing trip, at least a long weekend.
8. Visit every continent.
   

EIGHT THINGS I SAY A LOT:

1. "I said no. If you do that again, there will be a consequence." (Huh? I don't work at a daycare, really :P )
2. "Le Sigh"
3. "You're so cute. How'd you get so cute? Who'd you bribe?" (To the cat. Ima dork.)
4. "Walking feet please!"
5. "Ugh. I need to do dishes."
6. "I fail at life."
7. "I win at life!" (not remotely mercurial.)
8. "I love you."
   

EIGHT BOOKS I HAVE READ RECENTLY:

1. Shopgirl - Steve Martin
2. The Big Bad Wolf Tells All - Donna Kauffman
3. Gods in Alabama - Joshilyn Jackson (in progress)
   
4. Hard to Handle - Lori Foster
5. The Time Traveler's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger (Also in progress.)
6. Thigh High - Christina Dodd
   
7. Sucker Bet - Erin McCarthy
   
8. Bones to Ashes - Kathy Reichs
   

EIGHT MOVIES I HAVE SEEN EIGHT TIMES:

1. Sweet Home Alabama - "So I can kiss you anytime I want!"
   
2. The Princess Bride - "You keep saying that word. I don't think it means what you think it means."
3. The Shawshank Redemption - "The funny thing is - on the outside, I was an honest man, straight as an arrow. I had to come to prison to be a crook."
4. Lord of the Rings - "Fool. No man can kill me." Eowyn removes her helmet, runs the Nazgül through. "I am no man."
5. The Lion King - "Doesn't matter, it's in the past!" "Yeah, but it still hurts!"
6. Forrest Gump - "Me and Jenny goes together like peas and carrots."
7. Monty Python's The Quest for the Holy Grail - "You're not my king! I didn't vote for you!"
8. Finding Nemo - "This is the Ocean, silly, we're not the only two in here."

EIGHT PEOPLE WHO SHOULD DO THIS MEME:

1. Whoever
2. feels
3. just
4. that
5. particular
6. brand
7. of
8. crazy.

Chere Maman

I often tease my mum that she's the "best mum I've ever had!" I'm a smart ass like that.
But really, she's the best mum I could ever have hoped for. No one in my life comes even close to loving me as much as she does. She's my unfailing champion, and the kicker of my butt. I know she loves me as I am, and that she has high hopes and faith in me. More than anything, she wants me to be happy, and she is one of the greatest contributors to that end. She is an amazing woman.
She's smart; she did some upgrading to her nursing this last year, and got an A+ on her final paper. I was so very proud. She's very good at her job, and it shows in the way patients speak of her. Having a nurse for a mum is a bit of a catch-22 ("I've had patients with their heads shot off who complained less than you!") but terribly handy in 6th grade when you can't bear the idea of anyone else giving you a shot. Last year when I had to go in for surgery, she was there holding my hand, getting me a warm blanket, and though I should be embarrassed to admit it, a teddy bear. (Hey, you lie there about to get your tummy cut open and see how you feel!)
She's beautiful, though I know she doesn't see it. She thinks her hands look old, and I think they're inspiring. Those hands have healed and comforted and soothed countless people, and changed my and my sisters' lives. They are skilled and capable, a testament to those qualities she herself bears.
She's strong and brave, and wise enough to admit when she makes mistakes. She's a faithful friend, standing as a pillar of strength to friends who've lost so much, lately. She's a loyal daughter, and as much as she and Grampy clash, since they're both used to being heads of their own households, she gave up her life here to be closer to them and to care for he and Granny as they get older.
She's courageous in trying new things, taking up both running and kayaking after 50. I was glad to hear the kayak she bought is bright orange, so hopefully no boats will run her over!
She made home a safe place after a time when it felt like it never could be again. She taught me to drive, white knuckled and grim-faced, when we always thought Dad would take care of that. She managed her household well, and fairly, and made me so proud when after digging herself from the financial pit Dad had got us in, she bought her condo and later sold it at a profit. She worked, and works, so hard that we should never go without. She is the best woman I have ever had the privilege to know.
I am honoured to call her my mother, and blessed to call her my friend. I love you, Mum.

Happy Mother's Day!

Just to change things up - FOUR a.m. ramblings...

• To add to the list of most depressing songs: Mad World - Gary Jules (Which, yes, I downloaded because of a Halo commercial. I'm awesome.) "I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad, the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had..." (I've never had a dream in which I was dying. I've had those where loved ones die though and those are *Definitely* not the best.)
• I hurt. I forgot to take my pills this morning - again! - and it resulted in withdrawal symptoms that, even though I get them with such regularity due to forgetfulness, I didn't recognize until I finally got home at 11:30 and saw the pill bottle. Migraine, dizziness, nausea, tenseness in every muscle I own...just the usual fun and games.
• A couple Advil liquid gels and a sleeping pill....hope they work.
• Kitten is cute, soft and loving. It's a very good thing. (Certainly better than a couple hours ago when she was attacking my feet while I tried to sleep.)
  
• I'm gonna try to sleep again. Thank God I don't work til 2:45.
  

Thoughts at 3am

He hasn't called me in months. It used to be an annoyance, I guess, but now I find myself wondering why he doesn't try. I called him for his birthday a month ago, and that was the last time we talked.
Before that, it was the awkward Christmas gift exchange, where I wondered just what the gaping disparity in "value" meant, and if I'd done something wrong. How foolish of me, to equate monetary value with what he thinks of me...but I'm sorry, it hurts when my Christmas present still has the tag on in from the dollar store, and I see the other gifts you've given don't.
You think I'd know better by now than to have any expectations of him.
He said he thought I'd changed my number. And not told him? Did he really think I would do that? Is that who I am to him?
Is that who I am?
Why do I let him make me doubt myself? I'm a good person, a loving person. I'm a good friend, a good sister, a good daughter, damn it. I fail and I fall but I truly believe that the love I have for those around me is what really matters.
So why does that love get so mixed up when it comes to him? Why is it so entwined with guilt and regret, and yes, sometimes hate?
In the month since he found out I didn't change my number, he hasn't called. Logically, I know it could very easily have nothing to do with me. He's probably deep into the depressed side of his bipolar disorder. Maybe he doesn't call because he doesn't feel like he has anything to give me. And yes, the times we get together for coffee or lunch are nearly painfully awkward, but like I said, I still want him to try. I still need him to try.
Why?
I guess it's just because he is...or at least was...my dad.

Dead (Tired) Poets' Society

Still no sign of the sandman
And the ticks of my cheap IKEA alarm clock
Mock my sleeplessness and fray my nerves
The hours 'til its rude awakening grow shorter
As I become more likely to see sunrise
From the wrong side

I'd offer my kingdom for a good night's sleep
If I had anything to offer but a red bottom line
Instead that crimson ink conspires against me
With its compatriots in stress
Those things personal, temporal and academic
Join the clock in my cognitive chorus

The sandman is a fickle bastard
Were you to ask me
More adept at torture than a hundred sadistic --
Curb my thoughts, my words, my temper
Anger only fuels each cigarette butt
Crushed against my skin

So I release the detritus
And strive to be a depressed person
Who thinks happy thoughts
14,000 things and counting
Waiting for internalization
And a covert glimpse at the sandman

Bullets of Depression - As much fun as it sounds!

• When I'm feeling down, I shouldn't listen to music that makes it worse, but I do. (See, Exhibit A: Michael Bublé, Home.)
• "May be surrounded by a million people, I still feel all alone...I just want to go home."
• I'm cold, I'm tired and I'm stressed and all I want to do is sleep.
• Or eat. Preferably pasta. Are there endorphins in pasta? It seems like it :P Why can't salad be comfort food? I need to go back to my childhood and re-pair my associations.
  
• School work? What school work? I'm just trying to make it to the morning.
• A bad day/week/month can cause you to take to heart a comment you know you should ignore from someone whose opinion does not even rate.
• Friends are amazing, but they can only do so much.
• Some nights are really, really long. This is going to be one of them.
  

Something Positive! Wow!

So you're probably not supposed to have a favourite professor are you? Is that kind of like having a favourite sibling, or child? Oh well. I do! And here's why:

• he is actually practicing right now, though he doesn't have many private clients, he consults for the police and works at the jail.
• because he works at the jail he has some awesomely hilarious stories - things I've certainly never heard in my sheltered life!
  
• he has been super understanding about late papers and rewriting exams because of the way I stress out and stuff - when I hadn't slept in three days a couple weeks ago, he let me reschedule the exam.
• I got a little flustered leaving class tonight, and left my purse behind, and got the following email:

Hey Heather,

You left your purse in class tonight. I have it in my office (Room#). I won't be in on Friday but I hope somebody in the main office on the second floor might be able to help you by letting you into my office. I have cc this to (Main office person) - (Main office person) would you be able to help with this? If you have any problems call me at (Cel Number.)

----

I realized my purse was missing before I got the email - I got home and turned right around. Thankfully we had ended class early and the building was still open. I managed to snag a security guard and he let me into the classroom - and my stomach pretty much hit the floor when I saw that my purse wasn't where I had been sitting. I was so sure it had to be there; I hadn't been anywhere else and I knew I had it right before class. I thanked the guard and started to head out of the building.
Nearing the door, I saw some lights on down the hall, and I thought to myself, "Hmm, I wonder if Reid's still here." So I walked down the hall, and heard his office chair squeak when I got to his door. I had to restrain a little cheer. I knocked, he invited me in, and I looked at him, saw my purse on his desk and exclaimed, "Oh thank God!"
We chatted for a few minutes about how good it was that I'd managed to catch him, and I thanked him over and over, because I had been totally freaking out! I know I'll be better able to sleep tonight knowing that I have it safe and sound!
I don't know how many profs would go out of their way to notice the purse, whose it was, and attempt contact (he didn't have my phone number) - and then keep it safe in their own office and allow me access, and their cel number! I am very thankful it all worked out :-)
Oh, and for the record, one more reason he rules:

• musician.
• W00t
  

Fail

I came in early to school today to work on an assignment. Look at me, being all industrious!
Oh, except, I suck.
The assignment is due in a little over an hour. When I got here, I was feeling pretty good about it, if a little frantic. So I sat down at the computer and entered the data. I ran the statistical analysis, or at least I thought I did? And got results that made NO sense. So I backtracked, and did it again. Still gibberish.
It's too late to ask the prof for help now; she runs another seminar in 20 minutes. I feel about ten kinds of stupid at the moment, if not more.
I guess now I at least have time to get breakfast. That should help with the headache.
(Whine, whine, whine. Now you know why I'm not blogging much right now.)

Hi

I'm alive, mostly. Stressed, but not sick anymore. (Yay!) Behind in school, freaking about it. Need to give myself a kick in the butt, and not be so hard on myself, all at the same time. It's a little complex.
Kitten is still cute; she still makes me smile. This is a good thing.
My dishes still seem to accumulate at an unrealistic rate, and I still hate washing them.
I'm still not sleeping for any solid chunks of time at night. It really, really doesn't help.
I need a hug - but I keep isolating myself from all my friends. I'm smart like that.
Only a month left of school, which is reassuring and daunting at the same time. It's almost over - but I have so much to do before it is.
My MasterCard just bumped my limit by $5000. Why? Why do they do that? It's mean. It makes it even more tempting the just leave. Run. Far. The other night I was lying in bed, about 4am, and so tempted to just get in the car and drive - to Washington of all places. (Hi, Tirzah!)
A change is as good as a rest, or something like that? I don't know; I can't have either. Not right now.
Just hang in there, Heather. It's a mantra now. One more month, then one more year. And then maybe I'll take off to some foreign land and teach English. As long as it's somewhere pretty...and maybe warm. I could use a little more sunshine in my life right now.

Summary

loldogs are funny dog pictures!

Yeah that about covers it right now!
I'm still sick, but need to go back to school and work - especially the latter since we're closed for Spring Break and I won't be getting paid for that. *Groan.* My schedule for tomorrow looks utterly insane - bank appointment, school, appointment, work, study date.
And that is why I am going to bed. Goodnight.

Bad Day

Sick and tired today. Missed school. Mad at myself. Day saved from total suckage by a couple packages I'd been expecting in the mail. Still, blah.
Must get act together. Overdue essays, again. Assignment for stats. Work tomorrow.
Burnout.
God, I'm exhausted.

So I seem to have grown some sort of wee attachment! If you haven't already, meet Tink! She's been with me a week now, and I still think she's pretty darn adorable. Sorry I've been so rotten at posting lately. I'm pretty low energy, and what writing I do manage to do is all for silly boring things like school. (Hmph. Who wants to write on 18th century literature anyway?) The next essay due is actually on fairy tales...maybe I should write on Puss in Boots and accompany it with adorable pictures? I have an abundance of those lately ;-) Tink seems to like cuddling up really close wherever I happen to be, and then just purring her little heart out. Probably the cuteness is a defense mechanism for those times when I catch her playing with something she shouldn't - like my camera cord! So, off we go to write an essay. Hope you're all having a wonderful weekend!

I don't get it. I just don't. It seems that if I go to bed at any reasonable hour, say, before 1:00A.M. then I'm going to wake up just a few hours later and not get back to sleep. This is tremendously lame, just for the record. *grumble*

Smooth Like Butter

I fell into a snowbank last night. Once it's light I may well take a picture of the dent I made.
I was walking to the car to drive Emily home after a lovely visit this afternoon. Push the button to unlock the car (that's way more fun after it hasn't worked for a while!) Em gets in, and I go to the driver's side, where I cleverly discover a patch of ice, and promptly bit the dust - or the snow, as it were. I was a bit stunned!
I look up to see a man in the back of a cab totally rubbernecking at me. Thank you sir. Drive on.
Em gets out of the car. "Are you okay? I heard a squeak, and then you were gone!" A squeak. I am dignity personified, I tell ya.
I brushed off my butt and my pride and dug my keys out of the snow, then got in to drive Em home. In her driveway, I checked my purse for some reason, and realized that my wallet was not in it. Hm, uncool.
I pulled into my wee parking spot at home, and checked the snowbank for my wallet. Hm, there's the hole from my keys, the not insignificant butt print...but no wallet. My eyes go a bit further, and I see it. In the road. It had come open, and my credit cards and the like were scattered all over the street. I'd been gone about 10 minutes.
I may not be terribly suave - but at least I'm lucky!

Refined

I somehow doubt I'll ever be quite as at home playing guitar as I am on piano. The guitar is more portable, of course, and more affordable, but right now I miss my piano so much it hurts! The song inside me longs to pour out and get stuck at the end of my uncalloused fingers. It's funny though - I seem to have a go-to song on guitar. It's simple - the key of D (yay!) and just basic, simple picking. I rarely sing along, though I do have some favourite words...

My heart can't see when I only look at me
My soul can't hear when I only think of my own fears
They are gone in a moment
You're forever the same
Why did I look away from You?
How can I speak Your name?

I performed it once, about 7 years ago, I think. But something about this song, the music, the feeling, the utter simplicity of it soothes my heart in a way that's so rare for me on guitar. I only wish you could hear the instrumentation better in this clip, but oh well. Jennifer Knapp - Refine Me.

Well, I'm just a big ol' crankypants again. I'm sick - and I've only been sick one other time since September, so I shouldn't whine about it, but I was really enjoying being healthy! Now all I want to do is cuddle into my nice warm bed that still can't warm me enough, since I have chills.
I was supposed to go out earlier, and even though I really didn't feel up to it, I got up and showered and dressed and did my makeup, and was on my way out the door when I realized I couldn't find my keys. I looked every logical place I could think of, but they didn't appear.
I took it as a sign. I washed my makeup off and crawled back into bed with a book. Ugh. Did I mention that I hate being sick? (Grump :P) OJ and chicken soup and layers of blankets...I hope I feel better tomorrow.

Random Thought of the Day

Okay, so you know those auto-feed paper towel dispensers, where pulling one brings out the beginning of the next one? Am I the only one who finds it hysterical that they have an "Emergency Feed"?
What sort of emergency do you figure they had in mind? I'm picturing this drastic scenario - I need paper towel, STAT! Someone is bleeding out on the bathroom floor and I must immediately stanch the wound? The ship is sinking and you have to plug the leaks? You're in battle and must wave a white flag? Suggested by my friend Meghann: You have a hot date and need to pad your bra? (I'm fairly sure I'd never need to use this one...)

On Demand

So I've been told I'm supposed to write a new entry?! I don't suppose any of you lovely, bossy people would be inclined to give me a topic about which to write? :P
The last ten days, huh? Well, let's see. My little sister was telling me that her life consisted of "Eat, go to class, study and sleep." Well, mine is similar, but a bit more akin to "Eat, class, work, study and don't sleep." Work's going well, though, and school's trucking along. I've actually slept a little better in the last while, and I think a huge reason for that is that it's been sunny! You heard me! Sunny! Woo! It's odd how much of a difference that can make.
Of course, last night I didn't sleep worth (fill in the blank) again, so now I'm wiped. So, goodnight :P Here's your post - sorry it's boring!

Grrrump

Well, I have to say that I really, really hate that my landlord gets up at 5:15. Because even on the worst nights of insomnia, I'm usually at least getting sort of maybe a little bit close to falling asleep. And then he gets up, and it's bump and bang and this and that, and really it's not all that much noise, because when I *am* sleeping, it's not enough to wake me up. But if I'm awake? Hoo boy is it ever enough to keep me that way. And to make me dang cranky in the process. Hmph.
At least he's almost gone to work now. Time to try again. Man, I miss sleep. I have this vague memory of it being a good thing...

Kids Are Crazy...Crazy Awesome!!

I mentioned that I started a new job at a daycare, right? Well, it's after-school care, and so the kids have a set amount of homework time, and if they get their homework done, then they can play a game, but it has to be a "brain game" like Battleship or Connect 4 or anything with some minimal amount of strategy.
So, for this time, I was engaged in a Fierce Battle of chess with a seven year old (?ish?) boy. And please forgive me for this, but I was quite happy because I was actually winning. (Over the years I'd nearly entirely forgotten how to play.) But then...oh then. I think I made a stupid move, and he took out one of my queen (oy) with a pawn. And of course he's proud of himself, as well he should be, and he just looks at me and crows - "Pawned!!"
We both dissolved into giggles. It was by far the highlight of my day - and probably my week.
P.S. - Dear Grampy - In internet games and now in colloquial speech, people started saying that they'd "owned" the other player, as in totally annihilated them. Eventually, this became PWNED! which is a whole 'nother story. Trust me, though - it was really funny.

Lyrical Laziness

If you've ever talked songwriting with me, one of the artists who is most likely to come up is Nichole Nordeman. In fact, I just quoted her song, Sunrise, in my last post. People, she is fantastic. Her latest album is called Brave, and it came after a multi-year hiatus. One of the reviews I read on iTunes before I bought the album (Yay $10 albums!) said that this album has brought a greater maturity in her writing (which was already awesome), and I would have to say that I agree. I would highly recommend it!
This song is called, What If, and reflects quite well what I've said to non-Christian friends who've asked me: what if He's nobody? What if you've "given up so much" (their words) and you're wrong? But much like according to Pascal's wager, there's this: what I gain is so much more, infinitely more, than that which I've supposedly lost. I've been told I lack freedom; I have never been so free. This incredible freedom and feeling and soul-deep knowledge of truth that comes with following Christ - even on my very worst days - is more than I could have ever hoped for. What if this is all falsehood, a machination of my own imagination - and faith is nothing more than the opiate of the masses - what have I lost? But if some of those around me gamble on the other side, some of those I love - what then?

What If
(c) Nichole Nordeman

What if you're right? He was just another nice guy.
What if You're right?

What if it's true? They say the cross will only make a fool of you.
What if it's true?

What if He takes His place in history with all the prophets and the kings
who taught us love and came in peace, but then the story ends?

What then?

But what if you're wrong? What if there's more?
What if there's hope you've never dreamed of hoping for?
What if You jump? Just close your eyes.
What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise?
What if He's more than enough?
What if it's love?

What if you dig way down deeper than your simple-minded friends?
What if you dig?

What if you find a thousand more unanswered questions down inside?

That's all you find?

What if you pick apart the logic and begin to poke the holes?
What if the crown of thorns is no more than folklore that must be told
and re-told, and re-told?

But what if you're wrong? What if there's more?
What if there's hope you've never dreamed of hoping for?
What if You jump? Just close your eyes.
What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise?
What if He's more than enough?
What if it's love?

'Cuz you've been running as fast as you can.
You've been looking for a place you land for so long.

But what if you're wrong?

What if You jump? Just close your eyes.
What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise?
What if He's more than enough?
What if it's love?

P.S.

And much thanks to Chris, Vanessa, Tirzah, and the other Heather, a.k.a. "Not So French Girl" who came and commented for DeLurking day! Great to see you out! As to the other 11 of you who came by (and wow, am I popular haha) you guys suck :P (I kid...thanks for coming by, too...but you really should comment!)

Shadows

I hereby promise myself that next weekend I am not booking myself for anything that I "should" do and to keep an open schedule, but if not completely open, then only things I *want* to do. It is a weekend, after all! I played piano at a funeral today, which is decidedly not my favourite thing to do. Even the best ones leave me feeling a bit down, so I was glad to get a phone call from the lovely Karey when I got home.
She's housesitting right now, and asked if I wanted to go with her to walk the dog. Even though I didn't really feel like it, I sucked it up because I knew it would be good for me to get out of the house. We had a nice little walk, and she patiently waited while I continuously stopped to exclaim, "Ooh, pretty! Picture!" We took the dog down to the house-sitting house, where I also exclaimed over the stupid awesome view. We were there the other night at full dark, too, and it was quite impressive. We talked a bit about random things and nothing and how a mutual friend is still waiting on her visa for South Africa even though she leaves on Wednesday! We also talked about how much we're going to miss her, and that saying goodbye really sucks. (Karey also just put her sister back on a plane to Australia for who knows how long this time.)
I'm glad Karey's around; it seems like lately she's about the only one who bothers calling. (I know, I know, poor me.) The winter's always so rough, the physical darkness seeping into more metaphoric feelings. I'm ridiculously sensitive. Minor stressors pile up, and then something upsetting happens, like the recent death of a family friend, that sends me spinning. I just start to recover, and then driving down to buy groceries, I spot a dead cat in the middle of the road, and it gets me to crying again. And I HATE it! It's just further proof that I'm not normal. But at the same time...

There's a moment when
Faith caves in
There's a time when every soul is certain God is gone
But every shadow is evidence of sun
And every tomorrow holds out hope for us
For every one of us
You are sunrise
You are blue skies
How would I know the morning
If I knew not midnight?
You're my horizon
You're the light of a new dawn
So thank You, thank You
That after the long night, You are sunrise

- Nichole Nordeman, Sunrise

DeLurking

If you're hovering around here without hitting that comment button, then cut it out! At least for this one day!


Otherwise, I've not got much to say because I'm having a hard time thinking positively and don't particularly want to let that all spew out on to here right now. If you pray, pray for my friends, who've just lost their Mom to a car accident. And pray for me, and my comparatively insignificant stresses and my inability to manage them. Gonna make it. One Day at a time.

Tally

In the past few months, I have managed to break...
- one wine glass
- two water glasses
- one small vial
- two lamps
- an exercise ball (popped one of of the pieces of glass from one of the aforementioned water glasses.)
- some kind of record, I'm sure.
I'm beginning to think I deserve some sort of prize. Or maybe just that I should child-proof my house.

The Aforementioned News

Uh, so apparently when I said "later tonight" I totally meant tomorrow, which is now today! Tada!
So I try not to whine too much on here (completely unsuccessfully, really :P) but one of the things I hadn't really mentioned was that money had been getting pretty tight, because of Dad's pension, including my "child benefit", being revoked due to factors I really don't understand, and because of my general inability to stick to a budget.
I'd noticed a small grocery store in town was hiring, and since I've got more than two years of cashier experience, I decided I'd go apply, even though I didn't particularly want to.
So, I got up early, dressed in presentable clothes (even though I never wear anything but jeans in the winter!) and took a resume down. I talked with the manager, but she just didn't seem terribly enthusiastic, and I left feeling kind of discouraged.
Fast forward a few hours, and I have a voicemail from the children's director at the church, saying she has a "proposal" for me. I call back, and quite out of the blue, she offers me a part time job working in the day care at the church! With a bit of juggling, it fits perfectly with my class schedule. It pays decently, and is enough hours to keep me afloat without totally stressing me out, plus it's working with kids, which I love, and even better, it's relevant to my future career in child and youth mental health. It is truly such a Godsend, and I nearly started crying I was so happy!
So I start on Monday, and it shall all be a Grand Adventure, I'm sure :-) Wish me luck!

A Quick Warning

(Real post coming later tonight, with Exciting News!)

Oh...Right.

This is why I don't bother going to bed early - my version of early, that is. I hit the hay tonight around ten thirty and was looking forward to a great night's sleep. But now it's 2:43 and I'm wide awake. Huzzah! So, I shall tell you a story.
Today, on my way down the hill from feeding Mum's friend's cats, I saw a young man waiting at the bus stop. He'd been there on my way up, too, and he was looking at his watch and seeming a bit worried. There's no buses here on holidays, and I pulled over to tell him so. He looked so stricken, I offered to give him a ride downtown. We chatted a bit and I discovered he is here on an exchange from Germany. I told him I had a friend in Austria, and that my little sister very nearly did a Rotary exchange to Thailand. And then I felt very dull.
I've always said that I wanted to travel, but beyond a highly structured missions trip to Guatemala, I haven't. I was speaking with that friend in Austria, Lizanne, just a few minutes ago. Time differences are lovely for insomniacs. She was showing me pictures of her Christmas in Austria. The lights in Vienna were spectacular, and I very nearly cried. Why am I still here, in the town where I was born? I hate moving, yes, but that shouldn't preclude travel. This is the perfect time in my life to be doing it - nothing tying me down. Yes, I need to get my degree - but after I finish my Bachelor's, absolutely nothing says it has to be here! I've spent the last hour looking at Masters' Programs all over the world, and mostly terrifying myself. But still, it's intriguing to think of continuing my education in England, or Australia or even "just" the U.S.. I want to be a much more interesting person than I am. Even if the travel just involves a camping trip, I resolve to go somewhere this year, and to somehow look beyond my horizon.